The Media Critics

"What's the book say, Jenny?": Something about salamanders (Day 2)

2011-05-18T22:11:00.000-07:00

In Fahrenheit 451, Bradbury uses a symbol of a salamander eating its tail as a commentary on society's knack for consuming itself, again and again. If I were a better writer, I'd have a very elegant way to put it, but suffice it to say that Las Vegas embodies that salamander perfectly.

We eventually woke up around 11:30. Considering we went to bed at the break of dawn, it wasn't that much sleep. But, it was Vegas and all that bullshit. Eventually, we made it downstairs to grab a bite to eat. As with everything in Vegas, basic decisions are way more difficult than they should be.

It can't be denied that Las Vegas has everything one could ever hope to have. And, that's awesome, for the most part. You can come to Vegas and be who you want and do what you want. Bully for that. At times though, that crazy amount of options over complicates decisions that are easy everywhere else in the world. Our hotel must have had a dozen restaurants. If you're treating your hotel like a cruise, that might be a good thing. When you're three dickheads who just want a bite to eat, it's too much choice. And, considering that the hotel had a ton of restaurants, it's a small wonder that none of it was really what we were looking for. Everything was too fancy, or too expensive, or too small. An omlette and hashbrowns is about as basic as it can get, but it's apparently too basic for Vegas.

We eventually settled on the buffet, or "Le Buffet" or whatever vaguely insulting fake French name it was. Having forgotten that I was in Vegas, I was shocked to learn I was paying $35 for what would be about a $12 breakfast anywhere else. Oh, and apparently, I'm old enough for buy a buffet breakfast.

As we took in our $35 buffet in a model of a small French village, I was struck with a thought: "What the fuck is this?" Maybe it's a generational thing, but I've never really gotten the themed aspect of Vegas resorts. I get the concept of Vegas. I get that people want to get away and feel something different without having to actually go and do it. In some ways, Vegas is so perfectly American: a place to let loose without having to actually, you know, let loose in any real way. What I don't get is the need to do that while in a giant, fake Egyptian pyramid. Who out there is thinking, "I want to go to Sin City, but I also want to stay in the Vegas equivalent of a medieval castle." I mean, is anyone going to places like New York, New York or Paris and thinking they've actually visited those places in real life? Again, maybe it's just not for me, or our generation, but the whole thing comes across as so forced and conceited. I don't see the value added to eating my breakfast in a model of a French village. After all, French villages don't really have drains built into the floors.

Apparently, I'm not the only one with this thought, too. After breakfast we walked The Cosmopolitan and Aria, two new developments from the same company on The Strip that have jettisoned the theme thing entirely. Count Ugolino can take to the comments to explain how the two developments and the mall connecting the two is meant to shift the "center" of The Strip further down. And, LaserShow can breathlessly explain how Deutsche Bank now runs the place because they financed it and the developer defaulted, or something. Whatever. What struck me was that both places have jettisoned the whole theme thing, entirely. Instead of being a castle or Italian, both hotels went in for general elegance. Granted, both are new, but everything's extremely clean, refined and classy. That's what I think the next generation of Vegas traveler is looking for. Instead of having some kitsch theme that ham-handedly forced in everywhere, resorts in Las Vegas are moving to a general feeling. Even the established theme casinos seem to making this switch. Tropicana recently renovated away from it's 80s tropical theme to a more general refinement. Treasure Island, which used to have a heavy pirate theme, now seems to have a theme of BRIGHT COLORS, which is code for lighthearted and fun...I think. Granted, it's hard to take a place like Paris and make it un-themed, but if I was its developer, I would start thinking of ways right about now. Just like that salamander, Vegas is always re-inventing itself

Another thing that struck me about The Cosmopolitan and Aria is the amount of shopping in both places. I know I've done a lot of "VEGAS IS CRAZY!!!!!" in this post, so, I'll keep it short, but I find it hard to believe that the Porsche Authorized store is selling enough Porsche labeled shoes to turn a profit. Maybe I don't have enough oil money laying around, but as the Count put it, stores in Vegas have to be written off as marketing, because I don't think many people are actually shopping in Vegas.

Having left the Porsche purses behind us, we decided to head back up The Strip...

"What's the book say, Jenny?": "Are we old enough to buy pizza?" (Night 1)

2011-05-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

For a town seemingly built on booze, it’s surprisingly difficult to get a drink in Las Vegas.

Having been greeted by the warmth of a locked door, I got in contact with the boys, and sat down on the plush sofas outside of the elevator bank. Apparently, a lot of people are stuck outside of their rooms by their asshole friends at Paris. After having my ears perk up for what turned out to be Persian family, and then a Domino’s delivery man, I finally met up with the Count and Laser, and gained entry into the fabled Room 1230.

Considering Vegas’ reputation for glitz, glamor and an open container law, it always amuses me to find how much of the place is really like everywhere else. Aside from the vaguely French artwork, our hotel room was Raleigh, NC as much as it was Las Vegas, NV. That isn’t a bad thing, but, I don’t know, at Paris in Vegas you’d think every room came with its own mime or something.

A shower and a change later, and it was time to hit The Strip. Granted, it was closer to 12:45am by the time we ambled out onto Las Vegas Boulevard, but the city never sleeps, right? (As an aside, don’t people say that about every city? New York City never sleeps. Vegas never sleeps. Los Angeles never sleeps. According to Jefferson Starship, San Francisco never sleeps. I mean, Jesus, some cities have to sleep, right? I can personally attest that Phoenix is in bed by about 8:30 every night. This place sucks.)

We made the trek towards Caesar’s for…some reason. I think we were heading to a restaurant Count had been to in the past. Whether that restaurant ever existed is open for debate. Walking around Caesar’s made it clear that while the city may never sleep, its cooks apparently do. Eventually, we ended up at a pizza counter. At 1:00am, a food court is fine dining.

Two slices of pepperoni and a fountain drink sounds simple enough. But, after handing my card over, I was then asked to produce ID. I figured I’d get IDed to drink in Vegas, and probably to gamble, but to buy pizza? Was I even old enough to buy pizza? Obviously, they were checking whether my card matched me, which happened a lot over the weekend. At the time, this made a lot of sense, but, in retrospect, I’m not sure why. I won’t pretend like I’ve braved bazaars in Tajikistan or something, but I’ve been enough places where you’d worry about identity theft, and I’ve never been IDed that heavily. Hell, I've spent way too much time in The Virginian, and that place is basically the Artful Dodger's wet dream, and I wasn't asked to produce ID with my card.

Having filled up with overpriced “Las Vegas style pizza”, whatever the hell that means, we headed out for the evening. It was here that we realized that casually drinking in Vegas is more of a challenge that we’d thought. That’s a result of Vegas just being too Vegasy. Everywhere we went broke down into three categories:

A) Club-These places were proper nightclubs, and while we wanted to hit up a club, eventually, standing in a line just to get in when it was already after 1:00am seemed like a losing proposition. For a group of guys who just put their bags in the room, the 0 to 60 nature of a nightclub was a bit much. Oh, and there's a cover. Bump that.

B) Weird bars that had something else going on-We eventually walked around for awhile and tried our luck at finding a place in The Venetian. After a bit of wandering, we settled on a bar with a lounge and a live band. But, the combination of REO Speedwagon covers and patrons old enough to be our parents convinced us we were in the wrong place. Places like this are all over Vegas. If it wasn't middle aged drunks, it was a bachelorette party. Either way, these places were too much for us.

C) Bars that aren’t really bars-For those of you who don’t know, if you’re gambling in Vegas, you get your drinks for free. To keep you at the tables, the casinos employ cocktail waitresses that ferry drinks around. And, those waitresses get their drinks at bars pretty much reserved for that purpose. While it’s efficient, the lack of things like, say, stools, makes it pretty much a fruitless venture for the casual drinker. Similarly, you can’t beat the house in Vegas, and that includes getting service before the armada of cocktail waitresses. It just isn’t happening.

After wandering around for way too long, we eventually settled in at Harrah’s. Granted, we may settled in at part of a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grill”, but that’s beside the point. Hey, may our patriotism never be questioned.

The Count decided to play some blackjack as we looked on, and the night went on from there…

"What's the book say, Jenny?": Desert dark is really damn dark (Day 1)

2011-05-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

The better looking member of The Media Critics met friends of the blog LaserShow and Count Ugolino in the City of Sin for some unadulterated, actually pretty tame fun. The following is the first part of a series on the trip

Call me a coward, but being all alone on an unfamiliar two-lane highway in the middle of the desert in the dead of night is a tad unsettling.

The plan was for the boys come out to The Desert. When I first dreamt it up, LaserShow and Count Ugolino would finally do the return leg of our “home and home”. After all, I’d come out to the Manzana Grande, and it was their turn to see how ~~depressing~~ amazing the Valley of the Sun really is.

When I visited, again, during my Spring Break, however, the boys countered with an offer too good to refuse: The Count had to go to a conference in Las Vegas in early May, and since his firm was flying him out for free, he’d take care of getting a room for a Triumvirate rendezvous on The Strip, and we just had to get out there; was I interested? While I was somewhat excited to show off my new life to the old one, it didn’t take me long to answer in the affirmative. After all, I didn’t have to worry about airfare like LaserShow, who, it must be said, hates flying absent the costs involved. Everyone told me Vegas was a mere stone’s throw from Phoenix, anyway. I was in.

Getting used to nothing is a big part of moving to the Southwest. I don’t mean that in the way that I typically bitch about The Valley. It may be my East Coast bias, but back home, even when there was nothing, there was always something. The drive from Charlottesville to Knoxville, TN is a comparable distance to the Phoenix-Las Vegas trek, and even when I was in the depths of Southwest Virginia on that drive, there were always mountains or trees or cows to keep my attention. The desert just doesn’t work that way, though. Nothing really is nothing out here, and my drive to Vegas drove that home in the worst way.

I wanted to leave right after work ended, at 3:30, but I also had to pick up a pair of jeans from the tailor in Tempe. That adventure, coupled with some unexpected traffic, didn’t have me getting to the gas station to fill my tank until 4:45. Having filled her to the brim, I then turned my attentions to preventing my almost certain death in the desert: gum and caffeine. The gum part was easy, but the caffeine part created my own game of chicken. The need for a lot of caffeine was evident: my normal bed time on Fridays is about 10pm, if I’m lucky. Instead, I was asking myself to drive in unfamiliar country until about midnight, without a nap beforehand or anything. The downside of the caffeine, though, was that it came in liquid form. Those who know me know that I’m not exactly a camel when it comes to liquid retention. And, hence, my own little poker game came to be: could I drink enough soda to stay awake while also keeping my pants dry? Only time and 44 oz. of Diet Mountain Dew would tell.

398 miles. That’s how long the route from my apartment to the Paris in Las Vegas was in my GPS. And, since I’d eyeballed routes on both MapQuest and Google Maps, I knew that was bullshit. Depending on the route variation, the drive was supposed to be about 285 miles and take a little over 5 hours. The 100+ extra miles and a drive time of 6 hours and some change seemed absurd. And, yet, the Audi thought this was the “fastest” route. I love the car dearly, but for a people that invented the concept of blitzkrieg, the Germans apparently don’t understand what “fastest” means in ‘Merican.

So, I toggled the GPS over to “shortest”, and that seemed to do the trick. While the route resembled what I had seen on the computer, it came with the realization that I’d driving on what the Top Gear boys would call the “B roads” to Vegas. Backroads at midday would be one thing. But, B roads at night in a part of the country I’d never been in before was a different beast, entirely.

For a cautious person like myself, the desert at night poses unique worries, and that’s not even getting to the more irrational “What do I do when the ax murderers force me to pull over?” type questions. I knew my car’s tank put Vegas just within range without filling up, but what if I guessed wrong and ran out of petrol? I needed to fill up at basically every chance I got. What if I popped a tire? Changing a tire with only the moonlight as a guide seemed damned near impossible. I just got the car back from the shop. What if one of the mechanics made a mistake? The X5 broke an axle because of a mechanic’s error. It was a two hour ordeal just to get towed 2 miles to Auto Haus, then. How long would it take for AAA to even get to me? Would my battery last long enough to give me power until the wrecker got to me?

And, that was without worrying about staying awake. The mental math involved in not pissing myself was a funny diversion, but staying awake was a real concern. I decided to listen to books on CD on the drive. Being able to learn on long drives is a real pleasure, and I was looking forward to knocking off some of my backlog, but the books definitely represented a double-edged sword. Book schoolin’ is fun and all for a nerd like me, but it’s not like I could sing along to keep myself awake. I’d almost run off the road a few years ago in Eastern Tennessee after falling asleep to a Bill Bryson book. I needed to be realistic and shift to music at the first signs of fatigue.

Therefore, with a checklist rivaled only by a fighter pilot’s while engaged in a dogfight, I set off for Vegas. As is obviously the case, the drive required little of the mental gymnastics I had performed on my way out of town. The road was relatively easy: for those of you from back home think of Route 20 in how it slowly morphs into a highway once you hit Greene County. Except, where there’s trees and houses and farms in the Piedmont, there’s just nothing heading north out of Phoenix. Frankly, the amount of nothing took me aback. As I drove, I was struck with the thought that anyone who complains about population density in the US needs to take a trip to places like Wickenburg, AZ. Having visited friends in places like New York and DC/Northern Virginia, I can kind of get the concern, the world really does feel stacked up on itself, but my God, there’s just so much nothing in this country. I might bemoan another subdivision or strip mall being developed somewhere, but when you’re driving through such untamed emptiness, the whole point seems rather moot.

About 2:30 hours in, I dipped under ¾ of a tank, and stopped at my next chance. What can I say? A daredevil, I’m not. My stop allowed me to revel in another peculiarity of the West. Instead of the “General Stores” of rural Virginia, the middle-of-nowhere Southwest is populated by “Trading Posts”, or even better, “Indian Trading Posts”. I stopped at the latter. What makes these places Indian, aside from the wood bust of a chieftain outside, and some jade for sale inside, is beyond me. I filled up with some Indian gasoline, visited the Indian restroom, and went on my Indian way. Oh, and apparently, Indian tradition holds that the clerk inside keeps your card while you pump outside. There is no doubt in my mind that one lucky Indian Trading Post will be sporting new plasma TVs on my dime. Whatever. It’s probably written in a treaty somewhere.

Another 1:30 down the road, and I decided it was dinner time. I had been holding out for a nice meal once arriving in Vegas, but I eventually decided that the diversion and blood sugar outweighed the symbolism of the reunion meal with the fellas. And, after all, fine dining at after midnight would be a challenge, even in a place like Vegas. Subway got the call from the bullpen. Don’t tell Momma Kimmel, but eating while driving is a unique skill of the Kimmel men (actually don’t tell Momma Kimmel about this blog, at all. She wouldn’t like the swears). Poppa Kimmel spends roughly 20 hours a day in the car, so he’s developed a fool-proof system I’ve since perfected. First, the towel I keep under my seat goes over the shirt to avoid stains. It’s important to tuck the towel (or napkins, if you’re going with the poor man’s version of the system) under the seatbelt to hold it in place. Next, get the passenger’s seat set up the way you need it. A rookie mistake is to try and unpack your meal once you’re at speed. By getting set up before you’re on the move, you’ve made your life much easier and safer. Next, you have to wait to dig in until you’re comfortably back on the highway. You may be tempted to dig into that sandwich when you prep your passenger seat, but a champion car eater knows it’s too much of a challenge to try and find the highway, get up to speed and merge with a handful of Double Quarter Pounder. It may be unpleasant, but your patience will be rewarded with not dying. Note: all of the foregoing is absurdly dangerous, and should be implemented by no one. I refuse to allow this to be Plaintiff’s Exhibit A because you didn’t stop and eat like a sensible adult. Use common sense, please.

In my mind, driving into Vegas would be like arriving at a really great thought: I’d drive over a ridge, and there it is, in all of its glittering splendor. Instead, my arrival into Las Vegas was more of the “Oh, shit, there’s Caesars” variety. What the road into The Strip lacks for in pizzazz, it makes up with confusion. At one point, I ended up in a suburban neighborhood while the nav desperately tried to get me out. I arrived at The Strip by happenstance, and two lanes over from the turn lane I needed to be in. Having missed it, and given Las Vegas’ aversion to U-turns in the middle of pedestrian traffic, I drove a mile out of the way before I could flip a bitch and come back at The Strip. Having gotten onto Las Vegas Boulevard, I then proceeded to drive past Paris’ self-service carpark. In my defense, it was labeled as club parking on the way in. 5 minutes and a trip through Planet Hollywood’s garage later, I finally parked the car.

For those of you who know Vegas well, you know that getting parked is only half of the battle. Having listened to 5 hours of Jon Krakauer get guided up Everest (review to come), I felt like I needed my own Sherpa to help me make the trek to the hotel proper. Having braved the journey, I proceeded to walk past the elevators and on for a solid 5 minutes before turning around, and finally getting to the elevator bank.

And, so, 6 hours and hundreds of miles later, operating on a few hours of sleep, and kind of having to pee, I finally arrived at…a locked door. The boys went out for a walk on The Strip while waiting for me. Whoops. All and all, it seemed like a fitting beginning to the weekend.

At almost 2,000 words, this is quite enough for one post. Night 1 continues tomorrow…

So, Stanford's good

2011-01-03T21:04:00.000-08:00

Stanford just finished destroying Virginia Tech. I could go on and on about how poorly Tech played and it serves them right, and so on and so on. However, no matter how bad Tech looked, tonight, they still made it to the Orange Bowl and crushed UVa along the way. Also, I'm pretty sure that had the Hoos played Stanford, they would have been crushed by like a trillion.

However, Tech's flailing aside, I was shocked at how empty that stadium was. First of all, it was a BCS bowl. I just kind of assumed that BCS bowls create their own inertia, where enough people are just interested in a big game, regardless of their rooting interests. Likewise, Tech is notorious for traveling well, especially on the East Coast. They sold like 50,000 tickets to the ACC Championship this year. And yet, in their biggest game of the year, they didn't come close to selling out Sun Life Stadium.

What gives? I know that this was a pretty lackluster team by Tech standards, but still, it was a BCS bowl. I'd watch Al Groh throw a swing pass to himself all game if it meant UVa had made it to a BCS bowl. Mike Tirico made some excuse about how classes had started in Blacksburg, today, and so students weren't there. That reason makes sense...a little...I guess, but it's not like there were a few nose bleeds empty. NO ONE was at that game.

Perhaps the writing was on the wall for the Hokies. Anyone with some actual knowledge know why Tech didn't sell out the game?

Chance encounters: Craig James Edition

2011-01-03T00:05:00.001-08:00

So, on my flight back to Phoenix from Dallas I ended up sitting behind Craig James. For those of you who don't know, Craig James is one of the many college football analysts on ESPN. He is most famous for: a) being part of the "Pony Express" at SMU, which, along with Erick Dickerson, was the most prolific backfield tandem in college history until this past season, and b) that rather unpleasant episode at Texas Tech where head coach Mike Leach treated his son like shit, and got fired. Also, the ladies love him, or something.

I can now report that Craig James is a nice guy. When he got to his seat, I honestly was surprised I recognized him because I'm not the best with recognizing celebrities. I also thought his name was Kevin James, at first. That was a mistake.

Like every dickhead, I immediately started creating the interview I was going to do with Craig James on the flight to Phoenix. However, in my lifelong pursuit to not be "that guy", I decided I'd let the man fly in peace.

However, as we got our bags from the overhead bin, I took my shot. Of course, I went with a UVa question. I basically asked if he thought Coach London could actually turn the program around. James said he thought so, but the ACC is so tough because there are a bunch of teams that are almost identical (think UVa, UNC, Boston College, Wake Forest, GT) and that makes it tough for any one team to really break away from the pack. He also assented to what Wahoo and I have said about Wahoos football for awhile: it's going to be tough for anyone to out recruit Beamer in the Commonwealth, and that if Al Groh couldn't beat Tech with Chris Long, he wasn't going to do it ever.

I think all of those things are correct. What was cooler, though, was that James totally would have been in within his bounds to simply give me a non-answer to my question and go on living his life. Instead, he not only answered my question on the plane, but he waited in the jetway for me so we could keep talking about it. That, he didn't have to do, at all. He doesn't know me, and most likely, he doesn't give a damn about Virginia's program. Yet, he did talk to me, and he seemed genuinely interested. I thought about continuing the conversation, but I elected to simply thank him for his time, give him a pat on the back (God, how white can I get?), and told him that I hope he enjoys the BCS Championship Game.

So, next time you see Craig James on television, remember that my 45 seconds of interaction with him definitively say he's a nice guy.

The "Required by law New Year's Resolution blog post" blog post

2011-01-01T20:59:00.000-08:00

Hey, all. After a brief resurgence late last year, The Media Critics blog went into hibernation, yet again towards the end of the year. However, as we turn to a new year, it seems now is as an appropriate time as ever to bring the blog back for a third(!) go-around. I know the breaks in The Media Critic weren't crushing for anyone, and I think we all were able to conduct affairs without it, but people have had nothing but positive things to say, and it provided a creative outlet to me that I wouldn't normally have, and so, it's high time to bring it back. As always, there is no guarantee that anything written here will be any good, or comprehensible, for that matter, but WE'RE BACK, BABY!

With that said, I'll start our time back with the overdone trite "New Year's Resolutions Post". Everyone does it, and I know it's incredibly self-indulgent, but so is this blog, and frankly, right now, because we've been gone for so long, I know I'm writing to myself. My two resolutions are as follows:

1. Get in shape: For a hackneyed blog post concept, I'll start with the most hackneyed New Year's Resolution. Pretty much everyone ever has a resolution that is some version of getting in shape. I do, you do, Peggy in Accounts Receivable does. I've battled obesity, and as ugly as the word sounds, that's what it is, for the entirety of my life. And, as a result, I've made this a resolution for the entirety of my life. And, given the fact that I'm still battling my weight, I've always failed to one degree or another. Some years were more successful than others, but the problem remains.

Well, this year, that's going to change. I'll be sure to share more on this as I know a few more things, but I feel confident in saying that this is finally going to be something to change in my life.

(Side note: I saw Chief Wahoo while I was home over the holidays. He looks great. I know he stopped posting his weight a long time ago, and he hasn't been around much, but he deserves a hat-tip either way for his efforts to get healthy. Well done, buddy.)

2: Do my best to make Phoenix less miserable: I moved to The Valley of the Sun for a job last June. It was my first job out of college. The job has been incredibly challenging for any number of reasons, and frankly, the vast majority of my peers hate their jobs to some degree. It's just the price of breaking into the working world. However, job struggles aside, I fucking hate Phoenix. I don't mean in that "I hate that I have to drive to the nearest Starbucks" way. No, I mean in the "I hate every moment in this town as it slowly crushes my will to continue" way.

This viewpoint has made me kind of edgy in a "Wow, he isn't holding back" kind of way, which I guess is cool, but it doesn't change the fact that I still have a year and a half more in that hell hole until I can "put this whole town in my rear view." As a result, I'm resolving to actively try to make Phoenix suck less for myself. Granted, no matter what I do, The Valley isn't going to somehow become charming, but hopefully, I can make it bearable. So, whether it's trying new restaurants, or being more active (that'll help Resolution 1, also), or going to cheap Diamondbacks games, or whatever, I'm going to grit my teeth and give Phoenix the ol' college try. If I don't, I may never make it out alive.

So, there are my resolutions for the upcoming year. Feel free to hold me to those resolutions. Accountability is important with the sort of things. And, please, feel free to share your resolutions in the comments.

Most importantly, though, happy New Year to you and your's, and welcome back to the blog...again.

For your ears: "And, it was your heart on the line"

2010-11-14T21:04:00.000-08:00

Have a great week, everyone.

Mark MY Words: Pres. Obama Can Certainly Lose

2010-11-11T12:06:00.000-08:00

So Cutman gave us a pretty good round up of what happened in the so-called “elections” recently so I won’t go into the gory detail. But I will say this. It was pretty fun to watch John Boehner cry. I mean the dude almost broke down completely. I was sitting there wondering, where the hell is Eric Cantor or Mike Pence to take the damn microphone? Of course that would never happen, but crying politicians are always a surreal thing. It basically put Hillary back on the map in 2008, sort of. It’s the one thing politicians can do that there is no consensus on how to deal with, hell there isn’t even two opposing sides as with everything else in politics. No one knows what to do with it. Except me, I laugh.

Anyway Cutman also clearly is suffering from the side effects of election night Kool-Aid. Election night ‘08 that is. No way Obama loses my ass. He makes an argument that I say is well written and for the most part correct. Except he neglects to realize that the Republicans already have an issue:

It’s the economy stupid.

Specifically, the unemployment rate. Pres. Obama has 2 year, well not even that really, 1.5 years at most to get the unemployment rate down. That’s not a long time when the “recovery” has already started. That is to say, we can’t just wait anymore for the recovery to start because it did. The economy is growing again but it isn’t bringing jobs along with it. The unemployment rate seems damned content to stay right where it is. So, if the unemployment rate doesn’t drop below 7 or 7.5 percent I saw Pres. Obama has no chance of winning.

It doesn’t matter how he spins it. Blame it on Bush all he wants; blame it on the Republican majority all he wants. He is still a sitting President with 4 years of dismal economic growth and horrific and non-moving unemployment rates. People don’t vote for that. ’08 proved that people vote for change. 2012 is going to be 4 years of economic mire. They don’t vote for that President.

People put too much stock in the midterms. The rallying cry among Democrats has been some version of, “Let’s see you try to lead!” which I suppose is a decent point if it was just another midterm in 2 years but it’s not. It’s a Presidential. Those voters will blame or praise the President and the President’s party.

Of course, I am not saying any of this is likely. In fact, I think just the opposite. The economy will probably turn around a bit and people will start getting some jobs. Then ’96 will repeat itself because the Republicans will be too scared (thank god) to nominate a real game changer like Palin and will nominate a mainstream candidate like Romney or Thune and they will lose. Just like Dole did in ’96 two years after the ’94 bomb.

But none of that will be possible without unemployment going down. So good luck with that Mr. President.

As for me, I’m writing in Bloomberg.

Take time to remember

2010-11-11T08:17:00.000-08:00

Today is Veterans Day. I know for a lot of us, it's an excuse to get the day off. However, please, throughout your day, remember those who have fought to defend our nation, and especially, those who made the ultimate sacrifice for the country they loved. My grandfather helped win the Pacific Theater. Another grandfather spent time in the jungles of Vietnam. My father and uncle serve(d) in the Coast Guard. I want to thank them for their service.

Also, please take a moment to remember why Veterans Day is today. On the eleventh hour, of the eleventh day, of the eleventh month, World War I finally came to a close. A war that destroyed a continent, left millions dead and changed the course of world history finally came to its bloody conclusion. And, while I didn't get my poppy, please, take time today to think of those who served in a war we so often forget, and to consider the magnitude of destruction that war can cause.

I hope all of you have a great day. We'll be back tomorrow.

So...is this going to be funny?

2010-11-08T19:39:00.000-08:00

In a little over two hours, Conan O'Brien's new show premieres on TBS. Unless you were out of the country for the past year and a half, you know the deal: Conan had his dream job hosting The Tonight Show on NBC, until some combination of Mark Zucker, Jay Leno and the NBC powers that be forced Coco out. After taking a huge payout and enduring the requisite time in the wilderness, he's back.

Now, this move is supposed to be a good thing. Conan has a show, again. He's on cable, which means that whatever restrictions he had at a major network. Essentially, Conan, who everyone agrees is really funny, will be able to do HIS show HIS way.

But, is it going to be any good in actuality? The dirty little secret of Conan's time on The Tonight Show was that the show wasn't actually all that good. The final weeks were amazing, but until NBC lit a fire under Conan's ass, the show day-to-day was mediocre at best. Conan may have a lot more freedom on TBS, but will it pan out. Furthermore, no one was watching the show. Until all the hubub began, I didn't know anyone who watched that show on a consistent basis. Is anyone going to tune in on a regular basis?

For those of you on the East Coast, you can start answering these questions in about 6 minutes. I hope this works out.

For your ears: "Trouble been doggin' my soul since the day I was born"

2010-11-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

Amazing song. Amazing voice. All around amazing vocals. And, yes, I found this song/artist through that Travelers commercial. I'm sorry.

Living in another team's home market blows

2010-11-07T20:55:00.000-08:00

Moving to Arizona meant I was going to learn more than I ever wanted to know about cacti. That was to be expected. One thing I wasn't thinking about was the fact that I was going to lose one of the NFL games each week.

When I lived in Virginia, I got to see a lot of Redskins games. That was OK because a) my family and I were 'Skins fans, so I got to see them play and b) at the very least, Washington plays in the NFC East which is populated with other good teams. The Redskins are always soul-crushingly bad, but at least you got the chance to watch teams that mattered.

In Phoenix, though, I get to watch the Arizona Cardinals all the time. Every week, when the Cards are playing, I get the chance to see it. Here's the catch, or rather, catches: first, I don't give a shit about the Cardinals. I like Larry Fitzgerald, and Tim Hightower went to Richmond. That's the extent of my interest in this team. Second, they're terrible and they play in a terrible division. The NFC West is awful. You don't know how poorly football can be played until you watch a meaningless match-up between the the Cardinals and Seahawks. At least when they played St. Louis, I got to watch Chris Long play.

All of this means that instead of watching the three best games during the day on Sunday, I get to watch two good games and a team I don't care about get blown out by their opponent for the week. It sucks. And, I know they had a barn burner with the Vikings, today, but the Vikings suck, too and I'll pass on watching Brett Farve limp around a football field.

So, next time you're watching a good game, and you see an update of the Cardinals opponent scoring on them, just remember I have to watch that shit live whether I like it or not.

I guess we can all agree that Randy Moss really is crazy

2010-11-03T21:19:00.000-07:00

Well, that went well. After trading a 3rd Round Draft pick to the Patriots for Hall of Fame crazy person Randy Moss, the Minnesota Vikings cut Moss earlier this week. Well done, Vikes.

There's so much to make fun of here. First of all, the Vikings gave up a valuable draft pick for the opportunity to cut Moss. Brad Childress is dumbass, but even still, why does anyone continue to trade with Bill Bellichek? It's like baseball teams trading with Billy Beane's A's: you don't know how, but you know you're getting the complete shaft. Yes, Bellichek is an asshole, but he's also a smart asshole. Again, Brad Childress is not.

Second, you have to love the idea that the Vikings, who already dealt with Moss' crazy antics years ago, completely forgot what the guy was like. Did the entire franchise get amnesia? Is everyone in Minneapolis 7 years old? Everyone knows Moss is a dick and a clubhouse cancer when he's not playing for a Super Bowl. Reports that he screamed at some caterers before last week's game are, like, the least shocking things I've heard about Moss. In short, what in the hell were the Vikings thinking they were getting?

Moss got claimed off of waivers by the Titans, meaning he can join fellow nutcase Vince Young in Tennessee. For some reason, I don't see both of them coming out alive.

Whatever happens, we'll always have this gem to thank Moss for:

Straight cash, homie, indeed.

Mark my words: There is no way Obama can lose

2010-11-02T22:07:00.001-07:00

Last night was certainly interesting. Granted, it was only interesting to those of us who are nerds and spend too much time looking at bullshit polling data. Some highlights, though: A Republican who isn’t a complete wingnut actually got election in Virginia’s Fifth. Perriello was always in trouble in that seat, but I kind of assumed it would take a Tea Partier to beat him. Also, Boucher got defeated in the Fightin’ Ninth, which is a shock because a) everyone loved Boucher out West, and b) it’s been accepted fact that you have to actually die to be unseated in the Ninth.

Outside of the Commonwealth: Harry Reid hung on, despite being Harry Reid; Christine O’Donnell got crushed in Delaware, despite being Sarah Palin 2.0 and everyone trying to convince us she’s purrty; Ben Quayle won his Arizona House race despite being an apparent horn dog, and also being Dan Quayle’s son. Oh, and the Republicans took the House and the Democrats keep the Senate. That happened, too.

This Red Tide got Chief and I thinking about 2012. Specifically, whether there is any chance President Obama actually loses come re-election time. Wahoo thinks that two years is a long time, and anything can happen. I, on the other hand, as the voice of reason, think there is no God damned way Obama actually loses.

First, the givens of the argument: Yes, Chief, two years is a long time, and anything can happen. After 9/11, I don’t think many of us thought Bush would be in trouble come 2004; Yes, these election results certainly make the road more challenging for Obama; No, I’m not saying I WANT Obama to win in 2012, merely that I can read these tea leaves.

Listen, these results were all but inevitable. For whatever reasons, the American people don’t actually want anything to get done in Washington. Retrenchment like this occurs during midterms all the time. What can I say? We Americans are a patient lot. I caution against the idea that the most recent Republican surge is a harbinger of some great conservative revival. The Tea Party is pissed. So what? Some fringe group is always pissed in American politics. Before the Tea Partiers, it was the Anti-War faction on the Left. How did that work out? Nothing significantly changed. Sure, Obama was against the War, but it’s not like the Democrats nominated Mike Gravel or something.

I think the Republicans are wanting for an issue. As of now, what exactly do we see the Republicans attacking Obama over? A heathcare debate that will be almost three years old? A series of social issues that don’t fit the electoral calculus? The economy, which we can reasonably infer won’t be entirely terrible in two years? Again, I know a lot can happen in two years, but as of right now, the Republicans are going to have to create an issue out of whole cloth to win.

They need an issue because there is no way in hell that any of the current Republican favorites for the nomination are going to be Obama when it comes to a popularity contest. I think Mitt Romney is a solid candidate, but Obama would trounce him if the election came down to who the electorate liked more. The other option is a nuclear option like Sarah Palin. And, if Palin gets nominated, there really is no way the Republicans can win because the center would completely flee.

At the end of the day, the Republicans need an issue. Now that they’ve got some power, the Republicans are going to have a hard time blaming the Democrats for nothing getting done. Anything can happen, but the Republicans need an issue to beat Obama, and they’ll need it quickly.

Coming soon: Internet yelling!

2010-11-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

Chief Wahoo and I basically started this blog so we could argue and make fun of each other as much as possible. Now, as everyone knows, that's best done through snide and passive aggressive remarks through pseudonyms on a website no one reads. It's worked well for us. However, tomorrow, both Chief and I intend to actually debate each other directly, with words and everything.

Now that Election Day has come and gone, it's time to look ahead. Who gives a shit about actual governance, amirite?! Tomorrow's debate topic for the First Annual Media Critics Disagreement and Fun Run for the Cure :

Given tonight's/yesterday's results, is there any chance President Obama actually loses in 2012?

So, check in tomorrow to read what two self-important dickheads think about a topic for which they have no business proffering opinions. And, if this doesn't happen...blame Chief.

For your ears: "I could sleep"

2010-11-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

Here's a belated "For your ears". As you can see, Ben Bridwell got the jitters out by his second time on Letterman.

Well, look at that

2010-11-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

So, the San Francisco Giants won the World Series. To which I say: huh?

I have absolutely no idea how this team was able to win a World Series. Their best player in the playoffs was Cody Ross, who was acquired solely to keep him from playing for their division rivals, the San Diego Padres. They didn't think Ross was actually a good baseball player, just that they didn't want him to play for another team.

The rest of this team consists, basically, of a bunch of veteran re-treads who are WAY overpaid and had no business being so successful. The idea that Pat Burrell was allowed to patrol the enormous left field of AT&T Park is absurd. Pat Burrell, despite seeming like a nice enough guy, is slower than my grandmother. It's an entire defense of players like that. Their infield was terrible. They're outfield was slow. Pablo Sandoval gained too much weight to be allowed on the field.

The likeable parts of this team were basically Tim Lincecum, crazy Brian Wilson, crazy Brian Wilson's beard and Buster Posey.

I mean, congratulations to the San Francisco Giants. They're World Champions, and I'm a fat asshole in Phoenix, Arizona. They've shown, yet again, that the Playoffs are a complete crapshoot. The Giants ran into three teams that completely stopped hitting. They're pitching is good. It wasn't that good. At a minimum, The Media Critics' supercrush Barry Zito finally wins a ring. Granted, he'll get it through a win share, but it's a ring, nonetheless.

Baseball season is now over. What the hell am I supposed to do, now?

Poppy Watch: Day 2

2010-10-28T22:29:00.000-07:00

As chronicled yesterday, I'm in search of a cheap plastic poppy to commemorate Veterans Day. Well, today, I emailed a family friend living in England asking whether he could point me in the right direction. At this point, this a mission. A stupid, illogical mission, but a mission, nonetheless.

I'll keep you all updated on any developments, but the world is not as small as I thought. So, you know, eat shit, Thomas Friedman.

So, should I be cheering for LeBron or not?

2010-10-28T22:12:00.001-07:00

In case you missed it, LeBron James, also known as the best basketballer in the world, jumped teams, leaving the Cleveland Hardluck but Plucky Cavaliers for the Miami Tanned Evil Heat. Of course, this was most important to me as ammunition to make fun of Chief Wahoo. He really doesn't get it enough around here.

However, since the season has actually started, I have a simple question: how am I supposed to treat this Heat team? LeBron "took his talents to South Beach" to play with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh, make some money, and live somewhere that isn't Cleveland. Can you blame him? It's Cleveland. However, by leaving his hometown team, and by conducting that awful "The Decision" nonsense, he basically destroyed any and all narrative that we had created for him.

I realize that I should be incredibly incensed by all of this. That's not how we want our heroes to act! They should have some struggle before they succeed. It's Shakespearean or Dickensian or something. However, I can't stop thinking about how awesome it's going to be when this team completely destroys the league. I unabashedly cheered for Tiger Woods to crush the field all this year, even following his indiscretions. It's just more fun to watch Tiger romp than it is to get all kerfuffled anytime I see his image.

And, I think it's the same with LeBron and his Heats. Granted, The King didn't cheat on his wife or crash into a tree or whatever it is that Tiger actually did. But, just like with golf, I don't have a favorite, so I gravitate to whoever is the best. It's most interesting.

Everyone wants this Heat team to fail as some grand lesson to...someone about...something. Should I feel the same?

Oh, who cares? It's basketball season; time to stop paying attention until the playoffs. It's the American way!

How hard can this be?

2010-10-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

I'm a dork. Specifically, I'm a history dork. As part of my dorkdom, I get all interested in things that should interest NO ONE. However, my newest interest has me questioning the entirety of human progress.

I want to wear a poppy for Veterans' Day. In Canada and the UK, where they call it Remembrance Day, it's standard practice to wear a cheap plastic poppy on your collar for the week of Remembrance Day. They literally give the things away. If you've ever watched a "Top Gear" when they filmed this week, you've seen basically the entire crowd wearing them. They take the whole WWI pretty seriously, apparently.

Well, it seems like a pretty cool practice to me. World War One was one of the most important events in modern history, and perhaps the most important of the 20th Century. Yet, it's a far smaller part of our national consciousness. It's understandable, but still disappointing.

Obviously, here in 'Merica, the poppy thing hasn't caught on. Still, I thought, the interwebbings exist. I just needed to cast my net, and a poppy would find its way through the tubes to me (Note: My technology teacher was Senator Ted Stevens). You can find everything on the internet. Shit: here's a can of Indian Fanta. Want it? It's your's.

Yet, for the life of me, I can't a cheap plastic poppy. How is this possible? The world was supposed to be getting smaller. And, still, I can't get something INCREDIBLY popular in two of America's best friends. At this point, I'm not even upset, just befuddled. How does happen in today's day and age? I can understand if I was searching a Ukrainian vase made in my birth year, but I think I'd have better luck doing that than getting myself a plastic poppy to wear by 11/11.

The world is crazy.

For your ears: Simply stunning

2010-10-25T21:01:00.001-07:00

I went to a show on Saturday night. Captain Red Beard and Swedish Chef invited me to go. I'd never heard of Jónsi, but they swore up and down that he was amazing. I went into the concert wholly unprepared. I mean, I listened to like one song on Youtube before we left. I figured I'd learn everything I needed to learn at the show, itself. So, we got in the car and drove out to Tempe for the show.

I don't think there are words for what I watched. It was just so utterly and completely perfect. I can honestly say I've never seen or heard anything like it. Here's video from the Portland show, but from the same tour, of my favorite song in the set:

The video doesn't do it justice, but man, was it incredible. When that song broke, it was just beyond powerful. The build was perfect. The sound was perfect. Everything was just perfect.

The other thing that was just out of control were the graphics. I don't who did it, but the animation behind the band was stunning. It fit the music perfectly. Here was my favorite of the animation:

If you can't make it out, the screens start black. Then, they fade into a woodlands scene with animals. Eventually, numbers appear by the animals, making it look like the image came from a textbook or children's book. Slowly, though, the "paper" begins to burn. Coupled with the music, the imagery was incredibly powerful.

I hope you enjoy as much as I did.

Thank you, Jónsi. Thank you, Iceland. Thank you, Tempe. But, most importantly, thank you Captain Red Beard and the Swedish Chef for making me go.

Who shot T.R.?!

2010-10-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

That's right, kids. I just made a reference to the TV show Dallas when discussing the Dallas Cowboys. Have I ever seen an episode of Dallas? Shit no. Can I name anyone not JR? Nope. Was Jed Clampett a character? Probably.

No matter. This post is about the Dallas Cowboys and how much they completely suck this year. I know I made fun of this in my most recent "Antagonizing Chief Wahoo", but now, I'm not even trying to make fun of him. They really suck at playing football.

I'm currently watching the Giants-Cowboys Monday Night Football game. Because it's a live sporting event, I can actually watch it live, unlike almost everything else on television. Because I live out West, everything gets tape delayed. I'm essentially the Ghost of Television Past. Laser Show constantly BBMs me and asks if I think Vinny's girl on Jersey Shore is as hot as everyone says she is, not realizing that he's completely spoiled a show I will watch three hours later. It's annoying. Live sports, on the other hand, are baller, because I can watch them, and still have a couple of hours after to do stuff.

Anyways, I'm watching the game, and the Cowboys really are terrible. Tony Romo already went out with a broken clavicle. Now, Tony Romo has never been that great of a quarterback, no matter how many times he wore a stupid hat while standing next to Jessica Simpson. Romo broke his clavicle because their offensive line can't block, at all. They haven't been able to block all season. They lost Week One in Washington because they couldn't block, and they're losing now because they can't block.

(As I'm writing this, the Cowboys just got into the Red Zone, where Kitna proceeded to throw four incompletions while the receivers ran lackluster and listless routes.)

Also, holy shit do the Cowboys take a lot of penalties. In the time I've been writing this, they've taken a holding call and a personal foul for a late hit. In fact, someone much savvier than I has put together a video of key Cowboys penalties this year, as well as some of their general suckitude:

As a nominal Redskins fan, I know I should be cackling loudly at the Cowboy's terrib-ability (I could totally be a sports broadcaster. 99% of the job is making up words like "sticktoitivness".) However, the Redskins give me enough pain, and I have no hatred in my heart left over for the Cowboys. I think we can all agree, though, that much like the Yankees losing, we can cheer for yet another defeat of pure evil in the world.

Get ready to see more of these stupid shirts

2010-10-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

So, the Texas Underdogging Rangers just beat the New York "Heart of Darkness" Yankees, sending the Rangers to the World Series, and giving joy to Americans everywhere as they realize that things led by George W. Bush can succeed years after the fact.

This also means you'll be seeing a lot more of these stupid shirts. The official team site says of the shirts:

These are the T-shirts the Rangers have been wearing this summer that signify their two celebratory gestures. The claw is a long-distance high-five that players give each other after doing something good during a game. It was first devised by Esteban German in the Minor Leagues and brought to the Rangers by Nelson Cruz. The "deer wave", or antlers, is given when a player does something special that requires him to utilize his speed.

God damn it, baseball players are dumb. To be clear, on the front of the shirt is a glorified high-five. OK? Why not just put a thumbs up on there, instead? And, on the back, to denote speed, the players have developed a gesture emulating an animal best known for being gunned down and strapped to the hood of a Chevy. Also, I know the Rangers actually have some fast players and steal some bases, but any team that has both Bengie Molina, the world's slowest man, and Vladimir Guerrero, whose foot-speed could best be described as "glacial", shouldn't be too concerned with creating hand signals for backbreaking speed.

I genuinely like this Rangers squad. Any team that brings us the quote "Cliff Lee ain't no bullshit" is a-OK by me. They can get better shirts, though.

Holy shit. Look who's back

2010-10-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

So, apparently, Chief Wahoo hadn't fallen down a well or been taken captive by Israeli agents. I think we can all agree that his return warrants one thing and one thing, only: a complete

Antagonizing Chief Wahoo

Alright, kids, here we go:

Cleveland's heart and soul, mayor, and only practicing doctor took his talents to South Beach. So, you know, things are going great there.

The only hope for the Washington Nationals to not suck for eternity may or may not have two arms, now. Also, the other guy that doesn't totally suck just graduated from Kindergarten.

Cliff Lee continues to prove that the best thing to ever happen to a Cleveland Indians player is to no longer be a Cleveland Indians player.

The Celtics, having not won the NBA Championship last season, decided to "upgrade" by adding moving boulder Shaquille O'Neal to the roster. Because, that's how you improve: you add a player who hasn't been able to play for the better part of a decade. Also, Bill Simmons LOVES the move, so live with that pain, Chief.

The Dallas Cowboys suck really God damned hard. I don't have a joke here. They just really fucking suck.

Thierry Henry's handball kept Ireland from reaching the World Cup, forcing Chief to have to cheer for the country he's actually a citizen of.

All of this is to say welcome back, buddy. Now, let's get obtuse and small-minded, together!

Comparing Coasts and Championship Games, East Saaaaeeeeeeedde!

2010-10-22T07:02:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you remember last spring when Armageddon happened? College football was undergoing a massive realignment process where super conferences were being formed and the Big-12 was about to dissolve. Well that didn't happen but a lot of change did happen.

Most notably the Big 10 & the PAC-10 gained a twelfth team which means they get to join the ranks of the ACC, SEC, and formerly Big 12 as conferences with conference championship games. Oh joy.

The debate on these things has pretty much been a burning cauldron of fire since the SEC started it in 1992. The debate is diverse. Are they worth it? Is it just a money making ploy? But for now we are looking at just one; Where should they be? Neutral site? Home field of the higher ranked team? Rotating within the league? Pretty much all of them have been attempted with varying degrees of success, and that success has had more to do with the success of the league than the set up of the game.

The SEC and the Big-12 have had big success with neutral NFL sites consistently selling out or having sufficiently large crowds to make the games look exciting and desired. The ACC tried the same thing and has basically failed miserably. That's for many reasons which we will get into later. The Big-10 has decided that's its going to follow the same neutral NFL model holding the game in Indy.

But the PAC-10(2) just HHHAAAAADDDD to be different. Fucking hippies. They announced that they will go with a championship game at the home field of the team with the better record. And the debate has flared again. This has been especially true in the ACC where its championship game has been a disaster in attendance. This is important because the ACC's failure is basically the whole reason the PAC-10(2) decided to not go that direction. Now ACC fans (and notably ESPN ACC blogger Heather Dinnich, who is great by the way) are calling for the ACC to adopt the PAC-12 model. Let's take a look at a few reasons why the ACC has failed on a neutral site and then we'll see why the PAC-12 model will be even worse. For the ACC that is.

Failures first:

1. Location, Location, Location. So back when the ACC was expanding the powers that be were salivating that FSU and Miami would be in the same conference. Remember this is the early '00s FSU and Miami were winning national titles and had one of the best rivalries in college football. So the ACC thought they were total geniuses by splitting them in 2 divisions so they assumed that at least 1 and usually both teams would be playing for the conference title every year so they decided to put the neutral field in Florida. What they didn't realize was that the likelihood of having a Florida school v. Florida school game was was lower than a Jamaican limbo bar. It has never happened and only once has even 1 Florida school been there. So you know, FAIL. This meant that VT, GT, Wake, and BC fans had to go to at first Jacksonville, and then even worse Tampa. Which was ridiculous, especially when the teams repeated. VT and BC fans were asked to make flights to Florida two years in a row, the 2nd year, to Tampa. That showed in the stands when in Tampa there was a pitiful 27k people there. So Florida was a failure. They seemed to have learned their lesson though because for the first time the game will be in Charlotte.

2. The nature of the conference. The average size of an ACC school in 16,500 and a median of about 15,000, meaning there are some really small schools. Meanwhile the SEC has 22,000, the Big-12 has 24,000, the PAC-12 has 25,000, and the Big-10 has 30,000. The point being that most ACC schools have a naturally smaller fan base. Not to mention lacking in regional non-alumni fans which gravitate towards powerhouses. Which helps explain one factor that the ACC ignored. FSU and Miami have national fan bases, they are everywhere and Charlotte will be absolutely no challenge for them to fill seats. But Wake Forrest is going to struggle to get to Orlando. So in attempting to cater to the Florida schools they ignored some of their greatest strengths.

So whats the point here? Well the PAC-10 wanted to avoid the same pit falls. And rightly so. They are even more geographically spread out than the ACC. There is no naturally fitting city. The Bay Area, LA, and Las Vegas were floated as possible locations. LA would have worked probably but that's a long way for Oregon and Colorado fans to travel, plus LA kind of sucks. The Bay area is only convenient to two schools and one of them is small as shit. And Las Vegas is too risque for a marquee game. So they went a different route. With logistics too hard for a neutral site they went for the home field for the better record team. What this does is guarantee sell out crowds and gives a large home field advantage but that just makes the regular season that much more important. There are downsides here the for the PAC-10 obviously, if Wash State ever gets to the game and home field advantage (unlikely I realize) 35,000 seat Martin Stadium is gonna be a bit tight. And there's no question that a game in Washington or Oregon is a long travel for everyone. But that's the smallest stadium and most of them are more than big enough to host the game. That's a long distance but the key is that it isn't every year that everybody gets screwed. So I think the PAC-12 has made the right choice here.

Now ACC fans want to get on board. HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES!

The PAC-12 model will not work for the ACC and here's why.

1. Beer. People in the ACC like drinking beer. You can't do that in on-campus/school owned stadium and with the exception of Sun Life all the ACC schools are in that boat. We don't have the Rose Bowl and the Coliseum to mitigate that some years.

2. Charlotte is a natural city for the game. The ACC's offices are right down the road in Greensboro. Nothing says ACC like the state of North Carolina and I am comfortable saying that coming from Virginia. It has a nice NFL stadium, not a shitty one like San Fran/Oakland or none like Las Vegas. But most importantly it is within reasonable driving distance for 9 of the ACC schools. With FSU and Miami having the national fan bases we earlier discussed, Charlotte fits. Oh yeah, well Fuck You BC we can't make everyone happy. Also Charlotte is a huge flying hub so anyone wanting to fly there can find plenty of cheap flights.

3. Some ACC stadiums really suck. This isn't as clear cut. But Wake Forrest's stadium is only 31,000. But the average is really where it hurts. PAC-12 average capacity is 62,000 and the ACC is 58,000 not a huge difference but in averages that's a lot. Also the PAC-12 has some iconic stadiums, Rose Bowl, LA Coliseum, Sun Devil, Autzen, and wherever Cal plays. The ACC has Lane (guh, I hate it but its true) and Death Valley. Sorry Doak its big but not iconic as a stadium. The rest (tear, even Scott, despite my feelings that's its the best stadium in the country) are forgettable at best and down right shitty at worst.

4. Home field Advantage hurts. OK, this is even less clear cut. But the PAC-12 has a fairly even conference especially now that USC has fallen some. (Although Oregon looked like gods last night). The ACC on the other hand is a conference of heavies and upstarts. Its just not fair to put UNC in Death Valley with a championship on the line or worse, Duke. Its hard enough to get the chance to play for a title but its just down right tough to beat VT in Lane. Certainly that's true for the PAC-12 as well but I would argue to a lesser extent.

OK so that's it. PAC-12 goes one way and the ACC should not try to follow. Lets just keep grinding it out in Charlotte and hope that we are always better than the Big East.

Steve Nash: Funnier than you

2010-10-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

I live in Phoenix, AZ. There are certain things that come with the territory: you have to pretend a "dry heat" isn't miserable at all, you have never do anything interesting ever, you have to walk in public at a pace that can only be described as glacial, and you must unquestioningly love Steve Nash. For those of you who don't know, Steve Nash plays point guard for the Phoenix Suns. Nash pretty much checks off all the boxes for being likable. He's short. He is extremely scrappy. Also, he's really damn good at basketball, but that's beside the point. If Steve Nash was a baseball player, he'd be David Eckstein, but if David Eckstein had any talent AT ALL. Nash is also Canadian, so there's that.

There is, however, a more interesting side of Steven Nash. He's really God damned funny. Like, seriously funny. Here's Nash's commercial for Vitamin Water:

Man, that thing is brilliant. Every aspect of it is great. I'm sure Nash didn't write the script, but he nails the part. And, that dance. That dance is the definition of exemplary. Try as you might, you will never get that dance down as well as Nash does it, and that's the beauty. Also, hat tip to 50 Cent for actually being a funny individual for once.

But, that's just the start. It turns out that Nash has all sorts of videos that he produces and posts himself. I won't post all of them, here. You can go on YouTube and find them for yourself if you'd like, but here's a taste of the man's genius:

Where to even start? "I'm just like you, but 10 times better." "When you think of MJ, what's the first thing that comes to your mind? Me. I know." "It's like, you know, people say, 'Hey, you know, you don't want to swim with sharks,' but I'm faster than sharks, so it's not a big deal." Not to mention the Zoolander posing throughout.

But, the far and away BEST Nash video might be his simplest:

That's right. Steve Nash made a satirical video trying to get to the All-Star Game that was filled with nothing but career low-lights, including him getting completely posterized by Kobe. How many athletes would be humble enough to do that?

So, when you watch Steve Nash this season, remember that he's not only better at basketball than you, he's better at laugh making than you, too.

So, how good is Drake?

2010-10-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

I know that the music scene is normally reserved for the fine folks over at MMMixtapes, but every once in awhile, I like to wade into the waters and prove to everyone why I have absolutely no business talking about music. Anyways, today, I'm asking a question I've been debating for awhile, now. Exactly how good is Drake?

For those of you who just arose out of a deep coma, Drake's a rapper who has pretty much taken the hip hop game by storm. In fact, even if you have just woken up from a coma, my guess is you've heard at least one song on the radio playing on the janitor's cart or someone's ringtone. Drake burst onto the scene with this little ditty (warning, swear words within):

The song's pretty solid, but basically, I remember the general discussion being how in the hell he got away with all of that stuff in a music video.

But, from that point, he's been on fire. I honestly can't think of a song he's been on that I haven't thought was complete fire. Here's his newest:

I mean, this track is out of control. The video itself is pretty cool, but I mean, the whole thing is so on point.

I know the music industry, and the rap game, in particular, are littered with acts that were fast out of the gate, and were never heard from, again. With that said, though, I can't think of another talent who has been so consistently great in the early going since...Kanye? And, those who know me know I don't think that name around lightly.

It's the greats that put years upon years of this kind of production out. Drake's got a ways to go before he's in the same all-time discussion as Jay-Z, Kanye and Lil Wayne, but man, it's going to be fun to see what he does next.

I know there's a couple of readers who have an opinion on this one, so I'll open it up to you guys in the comments. How good is Drake?

For your ears: "I keep those chopsticks you had from when you toured abroad in Japan"

2010-10-19T23:15:00.000-07:00

So, friend of the blog Captain Red Beard turned me onto Local Natives. Like I commented over at MMMixtapes, I assume I'm light years behind everyone else in discovering them. No matter, because it doesn't change the fact that these guys are pretty darn good.

Enjoy it. It still feels good to be back.

Man, Hereafter looks mediocre

2010-10-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

For those of you who aren't watching baseball, or happen to live under a rock, there's a new Clint Eastwood directed movie coming out. And, it's got Matt Damon in it. Here's the trailer:

Is it just me, or does this movie look completely and utterly pedestrian. It's like the dumb kid in class looked off of Inception's paper, and they came up with this script. "Psychic" looks a lot like "Dreams" when you're trying to finish in time and you don't want the teacher to see. And, you'd probably get half credit for putting down "Damon" instead of "DiCaprio" for actor from The Departed you want, but at least you didn't say "Anthony Anderson".

More especially, Hereafter looks like a vehicle to CGI the most recent disasters of our time. We've got both the Indonesian Tsunami AND the London Tube Bombings, and that's just the trailer! It's like Clint Eastwood is desperately trying to prove he's still young. He bought a few years with Torino, but "Oooh loogit! Mr. Eastwood watch the news AND remember things from years ago. He's so spry!"

Oh, and my favorite part of the trailer is clearly when Damon yells at a child. "I have news for you! I don't do it, anymore!" He's sooooooo conflicted. He's haunted by his past! Matt Damon is sooooooooooo dark and brooding. Why Damon didn't film that scene while on his motorcycle with his leather jacket on and a cigarette dangling from his mouth is beyond me. At least commit to the part, Streisand.

But, seriously, how hackneyed is that?

Deep Thoughts: Pitch Count Edition

2010-10-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

So, for those of you who don't watch or care about baseball (again, everyone should have their hands up), the Texas Rangers went up 3-1 on the New York Yankees. Now, for most of us, this is only interesting in that it's the Yankees, so everyone delights in their suffering. As a Sox fan, I realize this post should simply consist of "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YANKEES FAIL", but they made the playoffs, and the Sawks are sitting at home. Whatever.

However, during the game, there was a reader question that caught my attention. Now, I didn't take the time to write the question down word-for-word because that would be the responsible, committed thing to do, and we're a bullshit, fly-by-night organization over here, but it went something like this: "With the success the Rangers have had so far, do you think Nolan Ryan's emphasis on lengthening appearances by starting pitchers will catch on throughout the league?" For those of you who don't know, Nolan Ryan took over as the Rangers' GM, and then went on to be part of the group who bought the team from Tom Hicks. This is a good thing because, seriously, fuck Tom Hicks. Fuck him for being a thick-skulled asshole who ran Liverpool into the ground.

But, one of Ryan's first orders of business was to move the Rangers away from the hard pitch count limitations they'd been setting on their starters, and instead, pushed them further into games. Partly because Ryan is seen as some hard-ass because he beat up Robin Ventura that one time, and partly because sports writers have nothing to talk about, the story became something along the lines of "GOOD! These pitchers are all a bunch of fuggin' pussies. They need to become MEN!"

However, I've got a pretty mixed opinion of this new philosophy with pitch counts. Being a pragmatist, I think that doing away with firm pitch counts in favor or something more malleable depending on the pitcher and situation is a smart move. There's absolutely no reason a pitcher who's comfortably rolling needs to be pulled because he hit the arbitrary ceiling set on him. At the same time, if a pitcher is clearly laboring, he should get the hook. I'm in favor of anything that relies of actual evidence and thinking, as opposed to hard and fast rules because that's how we've always done it.

But, it's the rational behind the move that scares me. I cried a river over Mark Prior a few months ago, and that was in large part because Dusty Baker kept Prior and Kerry Wood out on the mound way past the point of being safe. This "men need to be men" horseshit has very serious consequences that often leads to injuries and threatens careers. It's that line of thinking that led to Rob Dibble getting fired for saying Stephen Strasburg should sack up and pitch despite needing Tommy John Surgery to fix his arm.

So, in the end, do I hope that Ryan's new strategy catches on? I guess. Again, I'm in favor of thinking in the game of baseball. But, if this leads to the Dusty Bakers and Rob Dibbles of the world ruining more arms, then count me out. I may have seen less of Prior had he been on a hard pitch count, but I suspect I'd still be able to watch him pitch, today.

Thanks for indulging my rambling baseballness. I'll have something for the rest of you (read: all of you) in a bit.

BUT IS HE A TRUE YANKEE?!?!?!?!?!?!

2010-10-18T22:20:00.001-07:00

For those of you who don't watch baseball (I know that's everyone), Mr. Clifton Phifer Lee absolutely embarrassed the New York Intergalactic Babe Ruth's Ghost Yankees this evening. I mean, he made them look foolish. He K'ed 13 Yanks over 8 innings. That's impressive stuff. Impressive, yes, but is it enough to earn the honor of donning the fucking pinstripes with some fucking pride?!

You see, no matter what any baseballing man does in a baseballing game, if he doesn't do it for the Yankees, both God and the Devil's team (they can at least agree the Yankees RULE), it doesn't count. After all, if you can't do it under the bright lights and the pressure of DA BIG APPLE, you can't really do it. Sure, Lee may have made Captain Calm Eyes look like a child, but did he do it with the Ghost of Mickey Mantle whispering in his ear? I didn't think so! Dominating the Yankees only means you have to proven yourself worthy to join the Yankees. It's like a Catch-22 or a paradox or somethin'.

Until Cliff Lee decides to join the Yankees and not live up to his monster contract the way God and George Steinbrenner intended, I think we can agree he hasn't done much of anything.

(Don't worry, there's non-baseball stuff below this post)

Law and Order's dialogue: Herp! Derp! Derp!

2010-10-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying that I used to be pretty against the original iteration of Law and Order. I started watching SVU until I realized it's basically a rotation of the same three stories and OMG ARE THE GIRL COP AND GUY COP GOING TO KISS?! Next, I spent some time with Criminal Intent because there was at least a little critical thinking involved, but the format is pretty weird, and Laser Show hates Goren with a passion. I finally broke down and started watching the original. My thinking had been that it's a dull show that boring people watch because Sam Waterston has bushy eyebrows. All of that is true, of course. I simply came to the realization that I'm a boring person who likes to watch Sam Waterston drag his wrinkly balls around a courtroom. Life is all about growth.

I genuinely enjoy Law and Order. The detective bit is relatively interesting, and every once in awhile, there's a thought-provoking legal question involved. Again, I'm a square and a shitheel. These bright spots make the show worthwhile, but they don't get close to covering up the glaring weakness of the show:
HOLY SHIT THE DIALOGUE IS TERRIBLE.

I mean, it's really awful stuff. It's as if the writing staff comes up with a halfway decent story arc, throws in the requisite twists, and then leaves the actual script writing to some summer intern or assigns it to someone's kid as homework.

During our time off, I spent my time tinkering with and perfecting (read: laying on my couch and making Hamburger Helper) an algorithm that broke down the dialogue of a typical L&O. Granted, I know next to nothing about databases, computers, mathematics or numbers, but I'm not going to let that stop me from relying on a ham-handed vehicle for this article. ¡Sí se puede!

Anyways, here's the breakdown:

70%: Cop Wise-Cracking
If Law and Order was to be believed, the entirety of the NYPD became beat cops after successful stints on Second City's Center Stage, or having written during the Eddie Murphy years of Saturday Night Live. No matter the situation, no matter how heinous the crime, these guys have a rapier sharp bon mot ready in an instant. The detectives catch a murder outside of a breakfast place "I guess the eggs aren't the only thing getting scrambled!", a suspect gets a little uppity "And, I thought my second wife liked to complain!", a victim is murdered with a Rubik's Cube "I guess he only wanted to solve the reds!" It's absolutely absurd. These lines are the type of shit that David Carruso pulls all the time on CSI: Miami.

Seriously, any of those would be right at home in the dialogue of Law and Order, yet it's somehow OK. Until the detectives hand the case over to the District Attorney, the show is basically an excuse for rozzer one-liners and rim shots.

10%: "You don't know what it's like to be a cop!"
While being a police officer admittedly resembles a night at the Improv, occasionally, there are serious issues that serious cops have to deal with. And, invariably, they will handle these situations poorly. Apparently, enforcing the laws of the State of New York does NOT mean you have to actually know the laws of the State of New York. When someone inevitably calls them on their errors, because, you know, what they did was illegal and shit, the response is always some version of " You don't understand what it's like to be on the thin blue line!", because that's quite clearly a catch-all for any and all indiscretions. One of them kicks the shit out of a suspect "You're not the one out here on the front lines!", the cops seize evidence without a warrant "I'm trying to catch the bad guys! I'm sorry your laws got in the way", they spill coffee all over the murder weapon "I'm pulling an all-nighter trying to put this guy away. I'm glad you got such a great night's sleep, counselor." God forbid anyone actually finds out what it's like to be a cop in New York City, because all that witness intimidation, planted evidence and excessive force is going to look pretty silly.

10%: "You can't do that, Jack!"
Around the half hour mark, the case gets turned over to the District Attorney's office. While DAs come and go, ADA Jack McCoy is there to save justice and shoddy police work from the jaws of those evil baddies who don't want their rights trot upon. While I'm not admitted to the bar in New York, it's pretty evident that any and every legal argument in New York requires a line of logic that best resembles a mad lib. It's like a judicial scavenger hunt or something. It's not enough for Jack to convict the murderer with the run-of-the-mill regular laws. No, no. He needs to prosecute under the provisions of the Paris Peace Accords. "That prostitution ring isn't what the authors of the Hawley-Smoot Tariff had in mind!" This is mostly a result of the aforementioned shitty police work, but that's not the point. Most of the lawyerin' aspect of the show is everyone telling Jack McCoy he can't do it that way. Fuckin' naysayers. Apparently, they haven't learned that Jack McCoy doesn't play by anyone's rules, not even his own. After all, we know that judicial proceedings are decided on style points. In that respect, Jack McCoy is the legal equivalent of Shaun White.

10%: Pithy Episode Summation
Every episode of Law and Order is 60 minutes long. And, as shown above, there's a lot of shitty writing to shoehorn into that time. As a result, it's quite clear that the writers need roughly 59 minutes and 30 seconds to get the actual plot out of the way. There's a lot of bad police work to fit in, after all. However, the writers feel the need to have a thought-provoking wrap-up to the show. And, that's their God given right as Americans. However, they leave about 15 seconds to discuss the big issues. Instead of devoting a significant amount of time to have a real and genuine debate on the tough issues at hand, it's far easier to have Jack McCoy drop a bombshell while eating a muffin, and then fade to black. No engagement. No debate. Nothing. "Are these victims really served by giving the killer a death sentence?" and then Dick Wolf time, baby. Don't mix that high-fallutin' thinkin' with my cop jokes and planted evidence! And, really, that's the best kind of intellectual debate: a non-existent one.

So, there you go. You've got the blueprint for any episode of Law and Order, and it only took a novella's worth of words to catalog. And, you didn't know if we'd ever be back.

For your ears: "Under your tweeds you sweat like a teenager"

2010-10-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

On Day One of our Comeback Tour, I figured I'd give you a "For your ears" to get the week started. Without further ado, here's one of Vampire Weekend's best songs:

Thanks for coming back to us. Spread the word and keep returning. We're just getting started with this bullshit.

Cody Ross is an asshole

2010-10-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

We're just getting started on our Reunion Tour, and it would only be fitting to get started by pissing and moaning about baseball. It was always our bread and butter. And, it's the postseason, meaning our bitching about baseball becomes more shrill. After all, as Dane Cook would say, there's only one ACKTOBER!

(By the way, Dane Cook caught all sorts of shit for this ad campaign when it came out, but Chief and I both liked it a lot. I mean, it was a celebrity who clearly gave a shit about baseball. What's wrong with that? It doesn't mean Dane Cook isn't still an idiot, but the ads were pretty damn cool)

Anyways, to the topic at hand: Cody Ross is an asshole. Cody Ross plays for the San Francisco Baseballing Giants, who are currently playing the Philadelphia Phillies in the NLCS. Ross is the definition of a journeyman, and fits the description of being a "Grinder", namely that he's white, short and fucking sucks at baseball. He's not quite small child David Eckstein, but he's pretty damn terrible.

Cody Ross is especially terrible at hitting right handed pitching, as demonstrated here. However, for some reason, Ross has decided to not be completely awful at hitting off of RHP by crushing 3 home runs off of Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt, generally known as two of the best RHP in the game. And, it's damned annoying.

My Red Sox fanboyism is pretty well established, but for various reasons, I generally adopt the Phils in the playoffs. They looked primed to make it to the World Series, if not win it all. Cody Ross' decision to be good at baseball has made that more difficult. And so, I say this: Cody Ross, go back to sucking. Please and thank you.

It feels good to be back.

The Media Critics Renaissance

2010-10-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's been pretty obvious that we've let this hear bloggery outpost to go fallow over the past month or so. For that, we apologize. Chief Wahoo has been pretty busy with things in his life, and my new life actually requires effort. Who would have thought?! Making dick jokes online requires little talent or effort, but it was more than we were willing or able to give in the past weeks.

We weren't exactly Deadspin, but Wahoo and I were incredibly humbled and honored that anyone was reading what basically started as a running joke between the two of us. And, as a result, we're pledging to bring the blog back from the dead!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!1!!!

So, start stopping by, again, for your daily dose of poor writing and bad jokes. That is, until the next time we become too lazy.

If you could drive anything

2010-08-31T22:43:00.000-07:00

Simple question. If you could drive any car, what would it be?

Obviously, I'm not choosing the Quattroporte. And, let's go ahead and not pick the Bugatti Veyron because it's kind of an obvious pick.

I'm going with the Aston Martin DBS Volante. That car just looks amazing. I recently re-watched the Romania episode of Top Gear. Jeremy drives the Volante through gypsy country. It's just a stunning car.

So, that's my pick. What about you guys?

Damn it, Strasburg

2010-08-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

I know this is old news, and if I updated the blog with any regularity, I wouldn't be behind, but whatever.

Stephen Strasburg, the pitching phenom who basically made all of D.C. believe in baseball, again, has not only had his season ended by injury, but is destined to go under the knife for Tommy John surgery. Let me go ahead and say it:

FUCK

I'm not a Nats fan. That's Chief's territory. Granted, Chief may or may not have moved to the dark side of the moon, so who knows. However, I do like baseballing quite a bit. I watched Strasburg's debut on my laptop with shitty dorm internet, missing a mandatory training meeting in the process. Wahoo was there in person, but that's beside the point. Strasburg was simply electric. The guy K'ed 14 in his MLB debut, and was just overpowering. Now, his season's over, and he's headed for serious surgery.

A bunch of very smart people say this isn't a death sentence, and any number of pitchers have returned better than ever. Josh Johnson and Chris Carpenter are two pitchers who come to mind as having stellar careers following Tommy John. And, they're right. Tommy John isn't a death sentence for a pitcher's career.

But, having watched Mark Prior's career flame out as a result of injuries, I'm pretty terrified of what this all means. There's some top drawer analysis here that breaks down Strasburg's mechanics. I suggest you read it, but if not, it basically says that Strasburg's mechanics put him at high risk for serious arm and shoulder injuries. It's pretty startling for anyone rooting for Strasburg to realize his potential.

So, here's me crossing my fingers that Strasburg comes back stronger than ever. I'm just preparing for the likelihood that he won't.

Is Hollywood trying to not try?

2010-08-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

The American motion picture industry, on a whole, has never been particularly smart or creative. Every once in awhile, they'll come out with something like Inception or The Departed, and we all go, "Hey, movies kind of kick ass!" But, for the most part we're left with shit like Piranha 3D and Vampires Suck. Also, Nick Cage is still allowed near a film set. These people don't have a clue.

Tonight, though, I saw an ad that reminded me just how far these dickheads will go to avoid doing any actual work. Guess what. THEY'RE RE-RELEASING AVATAR!!!!! Yep, they're re-releasing a movie that you saw just last year.

Of course, re-releases, no matter old, are always a money grab. When they released the old Star Wars movies, again, it was basically just so a bunch of dads could pay more money to take their sons in the desperate hope they could have a good relationship. Fair enough, movie people. You win.

But, Avatar came out a year ago. What the hell? Who is going to go see that movie that hasn't already watched it? I've already gone on record as hating that piece of shit movie, and this re-release doesn't help that. James Cameron has made enough money off of it. Let him go not write a plot for some other film, now.

Of course, I'm sure everyone will go see the re-release, and it will make about a bajilliondy dollars.

Thanks for nothing, hand sanitizer

2010-08-23T23:15:00.001-07:00

I meet a lot of people and shake a lot of hands in my line of work. As a result, I use a lot of hand sanitizer. After all, the world is basically a giant petri dish plotting to kill you in one way or another.

Now, I was under the impression that if you used hand sanitizer, you were forever unable to actually get sick. It's the payoff for constantly being the creepy guy cleaning your hands. Well, apparently, I was wrong. I'm sick. Thanks for nothing, hand sanitizer.

I've got a cough. It's one of those coughs that isn't accompanied by anything else, which kind of makes no sense. Who other than miners gets just a cough? And, of course, I've caught the kind of cough that just lingers and annoys the hell out of you for weeks at a time. I hate it. My throat hurts. My sides hurt from coughing. My abs hurt, which sort of just means I'm out of shape, but whatever.

I lay this at your feet, hand sanitizer. Work better.

For your ears: "Writing's on the wall"

2010-08-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

Wow. When you think of the all-time great acts, Stevie Wonder really deserves to be in the discussion. Here he is performing "Superstition" on Sesame Street.

FJM Weekend-Redux

2010-08-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

I realize FJM weekend is far over but I was reading it today and this is so god damned funny....

Talking about analysts making bad causality comparisons, re: Andrew Jones doing well when Chipper Jones was hurt in 2005

Is there any actual proof that Chipper Jones getting hurt in any way helped Andruw Jones, physically or psychologically? Is there any explanation that makes any kind of sense? For that matter, can anyone even make one up? Martinez and Morgan (and others, I assume) just assert that the two are causally linked, but how? Why? If Andruw Jones is having a terrible April, and then one day he drinks a Diet 7-Up and watches the movie "Down Periscope," and then he hits fifty home runs, is it because he drank a Diet 7-Up and watched "Down Periscope?"

Or, for a better analogy, what if Andruw Jones is having a terrible spring, and then SOME OTHER GUY ON HIS TEAM, like, say Julio Franco, reads a "Bloom County" collection and punches his dog in the nose, and starting the next day Andruw Jones goes on a tear and hits 50 home runs, is it because anti-pooch feelings and pro-adorable penguin feelings have somehow passed trough Franco's body and unleashed something buried deep within Andruw Jones?

So funny, so so funny

Thank God for America's Team

2010-08-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

Posted without Comment

Admit it, Avatar sucks

2010-08-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

When Avatar debuted last year, you either liked it or you were a fascist pig. Those were your two options. The entire world stopped what it was doing long enough for everyone to applaud James Cameron's staggering genius. In that moment, Arabs and Israelis, cats and dogs, honey badgers and puff adders were all united in the thought that AVATAR WAS TOTALLY SICK, BRO!

Here's the thing, though; Avatar sucks really God damned hard. Cameron worked for a decade creating the 3-D special effects. Yet, in 10 years' time, he never actually got around to writing a script? How do you even fuck that up? It's a movie. The whole point is to tell a story. Granted, in the most literal sense, Avatar has a plot line. It's just the same one as FernGully, which everyone watches in middle school. I just don't get it. The plot of this movie is just so damned terrible. At no point is there any suspense. The characters are terribly written. The dialogue is just bad. Over the course of a decade, doesn't probability say you'll eventually screw up and accidentally write a compelling script?

And, what of those AMAZING graphics? I've been on record from the first time I saw the movie that I thought they looked forced. To me, they simply didn't seem as organic as they were supposed to look. Ultimately, they suffered from that whole "I'm trying to impress you with how CRAZY this 3-D is" thing that makes all 3-D blow.

But, just for the sake of argument, I'll conceded they're mind-blowing or whatever. Who gives a shit? The whole point of the medium in art is to help convey the message or story. Which, in Avatar's case, is shitty beyond belief. I mean, at that point, it might as well be a Michael Bay picture. I like Transformers, but no one talks about weeping the first time they saw the big computer graphic blow up the other big computer graphic in one of his flicks.

So, just admit it everyone; Avatar may have "changed the game", but it still sucks as a movie. Just because the man made Titanic doesn't mean we have to spend the rest of our lives pretending everything he touches turns to gold. At least Titanic had a fucking story.

Cutman Kimmel and Laser Show on: Taio Cruz

2010-08-15T21:29:00.000-07:00

Taio Cruz is the name of a musician. He does this song, which I actually quite like:

However, Taio Cruz is clearly a ridiculous name. So, in a fit of complete boredom, Laser Show and I came up with a list of things for which "Taio Cruz" is a more fitting name. That conversation proceeded thusly:

Laser Show: Taio Cruz sounds like the name of one of the kids on Captain Planet.

Cutman Kimmel: It sounds like the name of a type of green tea.

LS: It sounds like a Japanese brand of jet-skis.

CK: It sounds like the name of a grass variety.

LS: It sounds like the code-name for a CIA operation to murder the sunglasses impresario of Cartagena.

CK: It sounds like the name Trotsky took after moving to Mexico.

LS: It sounds like a type of aqua/neon windbreakers sold in the late 80s.

CK: It sounds like an extra in an episode of Miami, Vice.

We'll throw it to you, readers. What is Taio Cruz an appropriate name of?

Shark Week? Pass

2010-08-15T20:13:00.000-07:00

We've finally come to the end of Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, I think. I say "I think" because I didn't watch a second of it, but I've stopped seeing ads for it everywhere under the sun, so I assume it's another 51 sharkless weeks for the world.

Shark Week is a big deal, apparently. I mean, it got mentioned in Step Brothers, after all. And, if you're a red-blooded man, I know the proper reaction is supposed to be, "Whoa, holy shit! Fucking sharks are crazy, bro!" But, I was talking to Laser Show about this the other week, and we agreed, who cares about sharks this much? I mean, how much information on sharks is developed in a calender year that warrants a new week each year? Here's the things we know about sharks: Some of them are big, they eat shit, they can jump, they sometimes eat surfers, dolphins can kick the shit out of them. There, done. I don't think we need a week for that.

However, I think there's a great number of animals that deserve a week devoted to them much more than boring ass sharks. In order, here are the animals that should de-throne sharks for their own week:

1) Honey badgers
Go ahead and watch this:

Are you kidding me? It destroyed a bee hive just to be an asshole. That thing chased a puff adder up a tree just because it could. Granted, all adders are puffs, but there should be whole months of Discovery's schedule devoted to the honey badger and how much ass it kicks.

2) Sea otters
It's accepted fact that sea otters are nature's comedians. I mean, look at this picture. I have no idea what's going on, but it's funny as hell. For all I know, they're viciously murdering each other, but they look absolutely precious doing it. I've long held that if I could be any animal, I'd be a sea otter. Your only responsibility in life is floating on your back with a shell on your stomach. Count me in.

3) Pretty much any big cat
Before Laser gets too excited, house cats are right out. I'm talking big game cats, like lions and tigers and panthers and stuff. In my mind, big cats spend about 50% of their time killing stuff and generally being blood-thirsty killers. The other half of the time, they basically lay around on rocks and yawn like lazy assholes. It makes me feel better about myself. They also have big paws, which is cool.

Oh, and we could include jaguars in the mix.

Any of these animals is far more deserving of a week than sharks. Get on this, Discovery. I expect to be hearing about Honey Badger Week soon!

But, I'll ask you, readers. What animal do you think is more deserving of a week than sharks?

Haircuts are weird

2010-08-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

I went and got a haircut, today. Hair, itself, of course, is absurdly weird, and should be the focus of a Wahoo "You Know What's Weird" post, but I think he's vacationing on the other side of the moon.

I went to a Supercuts to get my hurr did. I'll start by saying that there was nothing that went wrong with my cut. The lady who cut it was friendly. She did a relatively good job of making my head look normal. Apparently, the hair on the left side of my head grows more quickly than the right. Who knew?! Still, out of principle, I fucking hate Supercuts and the rest of its ilk (I'm looking at you, Hair Cuttery). See, I don't spend my life herding cattle or leaning over the engine of a small block Chevy. As a result, going to an honest-to-God barber shop is like the one remotely manly thing I do. There doesn't need to be any flash. The more hole-in-the-wall, the better. I need a good, quick cut without any of the other noise.

Of course, chain barbershops ruin this. You have to make a reservation, and be put on a list like you're getting a cut at the Outback Steakhouse. Fuck that. Keeping the order of people in front and behind you at a barbershop is a time honored tradition passed down from father to son. Let us men police ourselves. That's not to mention the assault of shampoos, conditioners and gels constantly thrown at you. And, god damn it, I don't need a wash and shampoo before you cut my hair. Ever try to tell a chain shop barber you don't want the wash and shampoo? They'll look at you like you're a complete moron, and then proceed to treat you as such. I don't need it, I promise. I can wash my own hair. The counter to this is that it helps them cut the hair better. Really? I've literally spent my entire life getting my hair cut without it being rinsed and lathered first. It can be done.

Getting cut at a chain is a necessary evil of moving to a new area, though. Until you find a good, local shop, you're forced to feed these monsters. After all, the hair doesn't stop growing.

Also, why do I always end up absolutely covered in hair clippings after every single cut? Jesus, they can't make that smock, cape thing tight enough. I'm confident I could wear a wet-suit over my clothes, and after the cut, my shirt would still be ruined. It's ridiculous.

Public Enemy #344805850385939492

2010-08-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

Here at The Media Critics, we tend to dislike a good many individuals. Some of them are these assholes.

Listen, I get it. The internet is a wild and scary place. It terrifies old people. There's pornography, and swear words, and double rainbows. After all, THEY RAPIN' ERRYBODY OUT HERE! I also understand that there are real consequences for companies whose employees use the internet inappropriately. You can, I don't know, break laws and stuff, or at least get a bad virus. I don't know much about computers.

As a result, it makes sense for companies to employ some kind of internet filter. It's all about minimizing those risks. But, holy shit, do the parameters of any of these filters make sense, at all? I realize that the hardcore pornography needs to be kept at home. Apparently, though, hardcore pornography and MLB.com have a lot in common, because I can't look at either at work. And, here I thought I was the only one who thought baseball was sexy, amirite?!

Nothing was worse than where I worked over the summer. Google was blocked by the internet filter. No, I don't mean GMail. I mean Google, as in the search engine. Indeed, Yahoo! and Ask.com were also blocked under the "Search Engines" reason. Like the rest of the world, I forgot that Bing existed, but I'm sure it would have been blocked, too. While blocking your ability to search ANYTHING certainly made it easy to restrict content, you have to wonder, at that point, why even have the internet? What's the point if you can't search for anything?

I'm not making this an "I'm an adult! I don't need your censorship!" argument about this. LaserShow is in the comments section to take care of that. I'm just saying that if you're going to have an internet filter, there's a difference between filtering out potentially malicious content and filtering out the internet in its entirety.

Fix yo' shit.

Well, this makes me sad

2010-08-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

NBC has released the trailer for the US adaptation of Top Gear. Here it is:

God, that looks truly awful. It's no secret that we love the proper Top Gear around these parts. Before we both moved, Chief and I used to watch episodes together all the time. It's probably lame or whatever, but it's safe to say that Jezza, Hamster and Slow are a big part of our "friendship" (I say "friendship", because, actually, we desperately hate each other).

Now, they're going to completely ruin a perfectly good format with this shit. This isn't the first time I've heard about an American Top Gear. I remember reading that an American season had been pitched, but Jeremy said he was unwilling to spend such a long time away from his family filming in the US. As a result, I always kind of assumed the "American Top Gear" would be a season of the BBC program filmed stateside with the original gang.

This is clearly not that. None of those individuals seem remotely funny. Apparently, Adam Carolla was originially cast, but then was replaced. He's at least somewhat funny, and he actually knows cars. And, watch that challenge. It's not funny. It's not interesting. There's no real point. The hosts are laughing because that's what you're supposed to do. There's no chemistry. And, that's the clip that made it in the premiere trailer! What the hell must the rest of the show look like?

That's not even getting into the actual car bit of the thing. "167 mph in a four door!" Are you kidding me? I'm not saying I hit that in my car routinely on the way to work, but in the world of motoring, that's not THAT impressive of a number. The M5 has been electronically limited to 155 for donkey's years. I bitched about the Maserati Quattroporte last week, but a very basic internet search tells me the 2010 can top out at 183 mph. This suggests that not only will the American show be humorless and forced, but it will also pretty patronizing to anyone who knows anything about cars. Also, assuming the exterior and interior shots match, he's driving a Panamera, which is, what, 2-3 seasons old on the British Top Gear? So, we'll also be seeing cars reviewed years ago on the original.

I really and truly hope I'm wrong about this show. I've wanted to see an American season of Top Gear for awhile. But, I just don't think I'm wrong about this one. It's pretty telling that it's debuting on History Channel, not NBC or USA.

I mean, is anyone remotely excited to watch this show?

They can start by giving the Dacia the credit it deserves!

For your ears: "I guess every super hero need his theme music"

2010-08-05T23:36:00.000-07:00

Kanye debuted this song after "Jersey Shore", tonight. The video's only 45 seconds, but here's the full song version. It's a pretty sick track. Hopefully, Ye's put the autotune and the 808s far behind him. The man can spit.

Jesus Christ! Does anyone play in Cleveland anymore?

2010-08-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

I know this could very easily be an "Antagonizing Chief Wahoo" post, but a) I just did one of those and b) I'm not sure if he still owns a computer.

I know LeBron has been the biggest name to leave Cleveland since...Drew Carey? I don't really know much about Cleveland.

But, holy shit. The Indians traded everything but the batting practice L-screen at the trading deadline. They traded Jake Westbrook. They sent Austin Kearns and Kerry Wood to the Yankees. Jhonny Peralta got dealt within the division.

And, those are just the guys from this year. Off the top of my head, they dealt Casey Blake, Victor Martinez and Cliff Lee last year. In 2008, it was CC Sabathia.

I mean, I understand that the Indians eat ass, and they might as well replenish the farm system, but God damn there's no one left defending the Erie.

In all honesty, the players remaining in the Cleveland dugout are Shin-Soo Choo, a man nicknamed The Big Donkey, and the guy who they traded for CC except he still kind of sucks.

It's important to note that I didn't mention Grady Sizemore, because he must have died at some point in the spring. That's the only explanation for not hearing about him for like a year.

This post was brought to you by....Oh, I can't find it! To hell with it!

Maserati Quattroporte: so what?

2010-08-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

If you've been watching this past series of Top Gear, you know that in one episode the boys drove the Quattroporte, an Aston Martin Rapide, and a Porsche Uglyasshit in a number of challenges. And, without spoiling the entire episode, suffice it to say that the guys spent a significant amount of time fawning over how amazing the Quattroporte looked. And, I just don't get it at all.

Now, I'm not saying the Quattroporte is an ugly car by any stretch of the imagination. Again, it was up against the Panamera, a car a mother couldn't even love. It looks a lot like a car. But, I just don't see it being as fierce looking as the guys claim it to be. I mean, look at the Quattroporte and then at the Aston. How is it a competition? The Aston just seems so far superior to me.

The boys especially praised the gills down the side of the car. I'm sorry, but when I see that, I think of poorly made Buicks that are secretly just Ford Tauruses. I know Maserati is a good company, but the gills just seem cheap to me.

I'll throw it you, loyal reader(s). Am I being crazy, or is the Maserati just not THAT great looking?

It sure as hell isn't a Dacia.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 34

2010-08-04T05:39:00.001-07:00

260.1

Ok Cut, you got me.

Later today, I discuss Cutman's childishness and bad taste in life.

Antagonizing Chief Wahoo (A Continuing Series)

2010-08-03T23:24:00.000-07:00

Chief Wahoo has been a bit absent as of late here in our little e-home. And, that's completely understandable. He has a real job that pays him money. He has hobbies and friends and lives in a trendy part of The District. And, he's busy losing weight at a record clip in order to resume his modeling career. Well, I think it's my job to coax him out of his hiatus by pissing him off to the point where he's forced to respond. It's what friends are for, and isn't it what the whole "Antagonizing Chief Wahoo" series is about? I say yes. So without further ado, here I go...
The West Wing isn't Aaron Sorkin's best work!
Now, to the average reader, that statement isn't particularly inflammatory. To Wahoo, however, they're fighting words.

You see, Chief loves The West Wing to no end. It's far and away his favorite television show of all time. He watches it as much as possible. He could literally spend hours watching Martin Sheen's wrinkly ass put his blazer on over his head because one of his arms is shorter than the other. I'm relatively confident Wahoo's dream life involves him being one of the characters from The West Wing. I'm not sure which one, maybe the woman, or the bald one.

And, it's a perfectly fine show. It's no Cavemen, but it'll do. The problem is that it's far from being Sorkin's best work. That title goes to Sports Night. Don't believe me? Let's go to the tape...

Originality: First and foremost, Sports Night came out before The West Wing. It was fresh and original, and no one had really seen anything like it on television. Also, it was about a sports show at the exact same moment that ESPN was taking off as a force in pop culture. The West Wing, on the other hand, is basically Sorkin's Frankenstein's monster. With The West Wing, Sorkin took the format, pacing and feel from Sports Night and married it with the concept of his movie The American President. Now, there's nothing wrong with that, but he didn't exactly re-invent the wheel, did he?

Believability: Sports Night was about, like, two things: sports and sex. Both of those are pretty appealing, and they're both realistic. There's never really a point in Sports Night's two seasons where you think, "Well, this bullshit could never happen in real life." The West Wing, on the other hand, is about a million things. One week, it's agrarian policy, and the next we're almost nuking fake Eastern European countries. It's all over the place. Also, I think once an episode, one member of The First Family is shot at, abducted, raped or stabbed on The West Wing. People are just constantly being killed or almost being killed on that show. Now, I've studied American government a bit. In fact, I even majored in it. And, I'm pretty certain the President doesn't live his life like he's down range in a shooting gallery. But, that's what you have to do when making a drama about The White House, because the realistic alternative is entire episodes devoted to setting the President's schedule and entering edits of a speech into Word.

Other random shit: Most importantly, Sports Night gave us Cutman Kimmel, a character so amazing that he inspired my name on this blog and gave us quotes such as, "I hate to prove you wrong on your own show, Casey, but there's 52 states, if you include Alaska and Rhode Island!" The West Wing gave us...the bald guy? Joshua Malina also had big parts on both shows, yet he was far better on Sports Night. Finally, Dulé Hill was on The West Wing, and he's way better on Psych. I think we all can agree that's a rational knock against The West Wing.

So, it's pretty clear that The West Wing can't hold a candle to Sports Night. I expect that Wahoo will have seen the light, and will admit I'm right. But, at a minimum, he'll come yell at me. Either way, don't we all win? I say yes.

Bill Simmons writes about the Red Sox. This can't end well

2010-08-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

For those who know me, the Boston Red Sox are about all that gets me through life. And, despite what Wahoo says, Bill Simmons can really get under my skin, sometimes. In fact, baseball has never been a Simmons strong point. So, when The Sports Guy decided to write about the Sawks, who happen to play the sport of baseball, it was bound to go poorly. I got mad. Then, I texted Chief, who informed me he was mad. Then, we argued over who got to write about it. I won. Let's go to the hatred...

Slicing up the Red Sox's boring pie

And, I'm already pissed, because I know where this article is going from the title. I get it. Baseball isn't played the way it used to be played. Players stretch counts. They walk. They're more deliberate in the box. It's not like it used to be, where people played "small ball" and played the way that TY COBB PLAYED THE GAME.

The Sox have been at the forefront of this movement. And, at times, I'll admit it gets hard to watch. However, by playing that style of game, they've only won two World Series in the past decade after not winning one in donkey's years. Of all the people, you think incorrigible Boston homer Bill Simmons would be in favor of anything that got the Sox a ring. Unfortunately, he's a dumbass, and can't put two and two together.

Two runs scored, Boston's eighth-inning lead expanded to three and when the TV crew cut to the obligatory shot of Drew pumping his fist at second base ...

Oh, wait ...

I forgot. J.D. Drew never does things like that.

He stood there impassively, handsome as always, looking the same way he always does, like the guy whose at-bat music should be Lady Gaga's "Poker Face."

Yes, that's a Lady Gaga reference about a year too late. Whatever. I've got bigger fish to fry. There's this weird cottage industry based on hating J.D. Drew, and I fucking hate it. It's the same shit that gives Adam Dunn a bad reputation despite the fact that all he does is play good baseball. And, hey, dickhead. Here's a picture of Drew being excited. It's from the 2007 postseason. And, here's another. He seems pretty excited in that picture, as he, you know, WINS THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES.

The point is this: a) J.D. Drew isn't an off-putting asshole and b) the style of baseball that Bill Simmons is about to malign is the exact same play that won them two rings in four years.

Let's say we assigned a percentage pie of blame for dwindling Red Sox interest in 2010. My pie would look like this:

INJURIES: 10 PERCENT

Fuck you, Bill Simmons. It's moments like these that I wonder if he's actually watched any Red Sox games. I'm not saying this season, a season in which they still remain in the hunt, is entirely a result of the injury bug, but god damn it, they've been injured. The outfield has been a skeleton crew all year. Dustin Pedroia, aka The Laser Show, has missed significant time with a broken foot. Beckett's been hurt. YOUK just went on the DL. The Sox literally had to trade for catching because they lost both catchers in the span of about a week. I just looked at the line-up for tonight's game, and three of the guys weren't on the Opening Day 25-man roster, and Mike Lowell, who is old as shit, played 1B because, again, Kevin Youkilis is hurt. So, yeah, injuries have had a part in the season.

The bigger issue: For all their bluster about building a monster farm system, the Red Sox aren't exactly teeming with can't-miss prospects.

So, apparently, Bill Simmons doesn't get how the minors work. You always hear about the blue chip prospects, and that's ultimately why the minors exist, they're also there to provide serviceable replacement players to the big club, and that's exactly what it's done this year. Also, it doesn't mean you automatically have can't-miss guys sitting around on the farm. Stephen Strasburg's aren't a dime a dozen, after all. Most of the can't-miss farm guys for the Sox are with the big league team. Jacoby Ellsbury, Dustin Pedroia, Jonathan Papelbon, Jed Lowrie, Clay Buchholz...

Yeah, they suffered a horrible blow when Ryan Westmoreland, their best hitting prospect, underwent life-threatening brain surgery.

Yeah, that doesn't help, either.

There's a bunch of stuff that's really stupid, but I'm cutting it out because this thing is long as shit, anyways.

THE TIME OF THE GAMES: 55 PERCENT

I've already addressed this point, but what Simmons is about to say shows how much a shithead he truly is.

2007 Red Sox
2 or less -- 0
2:01-2:30 -- 11
2:31-3:00 -- 48
3:01-4:00 -- 97 (5 extra)
More than 4 -- 6 (2 extra)

(Note: Uh-oh. One-hundred three of 162 games dragging past three hours??? Call it the Tipping Point ... as in, "I'm tipping over because I just fell asleep." I blame the recent frenzy of milking pitch counts, the constant preening between pitches and more frequent pitching changes. Yes, I look forward to those arguments being struck down by an angry blogger within the next 48 hours.)

"The Tipping Point" of the Red Sox becoming boring, according to Bill Simmons, noted Boston fanboy, is the 2007 season. As our astute readers may remember, 2007 is the season where the Red Sox WON THE FUCKING WORLD MOTHER FUCKING SERIES. If your definition of boring is the year your favorite team, the team you've written books about, wins the World Series, go fuck yourself, because you just don't get it. I watched that season. I watched all through the playoffs. I also remember losing my shit when they won Game Four in Colorado. I don't remember being bored.

And, finally:

Meanwhile, National League games move significantly faster: Every NL team has played at least 50 percent of its 2010 games in less than three hours, led by St. Louis, who cranked out 71 of its 102 games in less than three hours. That tells me the following things:

1. We need to dump the DH. Like, right now. It's stupid, anyway.

You know how I feel about the National League and the DH. But, it's no secret that the AL is just better than the NL. It's better baseball, at least statistically, but Bill Simmons wants that to change because...his favorite team has won the World Series too much?

This has been long, and thanks for staying in there, but this shit annoys me to no end. I honestly do like Bill Simmons, but this is the essence of his problem in writing. Simmons decides to write on things on which he has no business writing, but acts like he's an expert. It was the same when he wrote that dumb World Cup piece. Just stop it, man. You're better than this.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 32

2010-08-02T05:33:00.001-07:00

260.7

Sorry about hiatus. No excuses, but it wasn't because I was lost in the land milano cookies and pure bacon fat.

Pretty happy with that weight, will be even happier when there's a 5 in that second digit.

Nats took 2/3 from the Braves and Phils.

Can we say PLAYOFF RUN!!!!!!!

Yes....but no.

For your ears: "Right down through the fire, Even through the wire"

2010-08-01T23:02:00.000-07:00

John Legend makes everything better. This video is back from when Kanye West was still not entirely crazy. God, he was good.

Later today (tomorrow), I will continue to piss and moan about Bill Simmons. Get excited.

The best television is on...USA?

2010-08-01T22:02:00.001-07:00

A few short years ago, there was really no need to even ask that question. Everyone knew the answer. Growing up, HBO absolutely cornered the market on television. At one point, HBO had Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, and The Wire. Even if you believe Wahoo's contention that Six Feet Under wasn't THAT amazing, you were still left with a good show and two programs competing for the title of best television show ever made.

In the past few years, that arithmetic changed pretty dramatically. Six Feet Under ended, followed by that polarizing Sopranos finale, and finally The Wire. From that point forward, the King really toppled. HBO never found replacements to carry the network. Big Love jumped the shark pretty hard. Entourage was Entourage, and frankly, a half-hour comedy would never carry the network. A parade of shows, from Deadwood to John from Cincinnati came and went. HBO showed it still had its fastball with mini-series like Generation Kill and The Pacific, but it really has never been the same.

Following a few years where no one seemed the clear leader, it appears USA Network, of all places, is the best thing happening in television. Now, that's relatively surprising because, growing up, USA was the home of Walker, Texas Ranger re-runs and tennis matches. Somewhere along the line, though, USA started debuting some really original programming. That train started with Psych.

I remember discussing Psych with Chief back in its first or second season, and we both kind of talked about it in that "Hey, this show isn't terrible" way. Well, it isn't terrible. In fact, I'd say it's probably the best show on television right now. It's a bit goofy, but the relationship between Shawn and Gus is written incredibly well. It's like the relationship between House and Wilson on House, back before that show started to suck. In fact, I think the House comparison is apt, because Psych really has the logic and problem-solving that made House so appealing, but it does it in a much more fun way. If you haven't checked out Psych in awhile, I highly suggest it.

USA has a lot of other great programming. Burn Notice does a good job balancing good characters with action, and it has a pretty original format. It's become a bit of a Hyundai infomercial this season, but it's still pretty solid television. White Collar also delivers good television, as well as some solid logic games. It also has Tiffani Amber Thiessen, which is, you know...a plus. There's also shows like Royal Pains and Covert Affairs, but they're kind of off my radar.

I'm not saying that anything on USA is challenging The Wire for the best thing in the history of the moving image, but it's certainly good television.

I also can't think of another network that's doing as much. I know AMC has Mad Men, which everyone agrees is amazing, but it's about all that AMC has, though Breaking Bad is supposedly good. And, Showtime has stuff like Weeds, but I don't know anyone who isn't watching Weeds on Netflix or something. No one watches that show live.

I'll give it to you guys, though. What network is the best in television, right now?

Also, USA has Jeff Goldblum, and I think we can all agree, Jeff Goldblum is sexy!

Credit where it's due

2010-07-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

I know I've been bitching and moaning all night on the blog. For those of you who live back East, it's currently 1:45 in the morning, and you'll read all of my witty, relevant (read: poorly constructed, obtuse) writing in the morning.

I'd like to take a moment, though, and give Chief Wahoo props on his first month of getting publicly less fat. 15 lbs. is a lot of weight to lose, especially in a month. I think in the past 4 years, I haven't lost 15 pounds, and this asshole did it in a month. Well done.

Of course, it's only been a month. Weight loss is always easy in the beginning. I know Wahoo and I know he's committed, but it's a tough road. So, keep it up, man.

As a fat asshole who isn't doing much about his weight, I applaud your effort to become less fat. You'll still be an asshole.

So, in summation, well done, bro. Keep up the good work. Now, write more shit!

Does anyone in Texas know anything about baseball or business?

2010-07-29T21:52:00.000-07:00

The Houston Astros traded awesome pitching man Roy Oswalt to the Phillies earlier today. Rah rah. The Phillips now have a surplus of Roys at pitcher. While I kind of like the Phils by proxy, they play in the vastly inferior National League, so it only concerns me but so much.

But, here's the part of the deal that absolutely blows my mind. The 'Stros are going to continue paying $11 million of Oswalt's deal while he's in Philly. Holy shit. So, let's review. The Astros are going to pay millions and millions of dollars for one of the best pitchers in the game to not pitch for their club. And, they're getting table scraps down on the farm in return.

It's really no surprise that the Astros completed a deal like this. The Astros are habitually run poorly. For years, the 'Stros have been the place where baseball players go out to pasture. Think of every baseball player you just assumed was out of the league by now, and he's probably somewhere on the Astros' Active Roster.

What is surprising is that this isn't the first deal of this kind in the GREAT STATE OF TEXAS. YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!! Before Alex Rodriquez was busy disappointing everyone in the Bronx, Mr. April was playing on a series of truly terrible teams in Arlington. He was also getting paid like $352 million to do it. When the Rangers eventually traded him to the New York Jeters, the Rangers stayed on the hook for another $67 million of the deal. It was fucking ridiculous. The Rangers just recently stopped paying for A-Rod. He's been playing in New York for 7 years.

Now, I have my own reasons to hate Tom Hicks, the owner of the Texas Rangers. He's done a pretty good job of turning my Liverpool FC from a perennial force in Europe to a middle-of-the-table also ran. He's also an idiot on this side of the Atlantic, where the Rangers are now in bankruptcy, and Hicks is struggling to get rid of the club.

Apparently, Hicks isn't alone, though. While the stakes aren't as big in the Oswalt deal as they were in the Rodriguez deal, the concept is the same. So, baseball people of Texas: stop doing this shit!

God damn it, Detroit

2010-07-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

I drove behind one of those god damned things on my way to work, today. For those of you lucky enough to not know what it is, that's the Pontiac Aztek. It's fucking hideous, and it encapsulates why the American automotive industry blows so hard.

Back when we were just annoying blowhards in print, Chief wrote a comprehensive take-down of the domestic auto makers. And, if I wasn't so god damned lazy, or if we had actually thought to start this piece of shit blog three years ago, you could read it. Anyways, the basic notion of that editorial was that, despite all the excuses like the unions and the economy, the American auto industry was failing because it kept turning out shit boxes.

The Pontiac Aztek is such a perfect example of that problem. I mean, look at this thing. I hate to punish our readers like that, but how the fuck does this thing get made? It's just so ugly. Normally, it's only years later when you realize something was a horrible, horrible idea. Shit, I thought Ugg boots were kind of cute on girls for years. But, I distinctly remember thinking how god damned ugly it was. They gave one these things to the winner on the second season of Survivor (remember when EVERYONE watched that show?), and even at that age, all I could think was, "Holy shit, that's ugly. I thought prizes were supposed to be good things."

And, that's just the actual appearance. Look again at a picture. That car represents every shortcut the Detroit motor companies made during this dark time. I mean, just look at all the plastic trim. Quick, name a quality car bathed in that much plastic. You can't. It's hard to put a finger on it, but if you know cars, everything about the Aztek screams poor, shoddy construction.

I know the Aztek is old as shit, now. And, a lot of people will tell you American makes have turned a corner. Wahoo will prattle on and on about the new Taurus and how great of a car it is. I think he's probably right, but as long as I see Azteks on the road, I'm going to be pissed off about this era in American motoring.

Also, how clichely early 2000s is it to misspell Aztec in the car name? What the hell were we thinking?

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 28

2010-07-29T06:09:00.000-07:00

262.8

Week 4 total= 3.4 Pounds

Total total= 14.8 Pounds

Ok that's a week, I am also gonna call that a month. Just shy of the 15 pound mark which would have been nice and round but I am pretty ecstatic about 14.8.

So I thought I would do a sort of one month's evaluation of how things are going.

First, an unexpected consequence, I have been saving a lot of money. This is because I have been taking my lunch to work. No I haven't suddenly found the inspiration to make bologna sandwiches. But now since I don't eat 6 tacos at dinner I have left overs which I have been taking to work for lunch where I used to spend a minimum 5 bucks a day, usually more. So that's been pretty awesome.

As far as the actual diet goes its actually been easier than I thought it would be, to follow the rules. I thought for sure I would be standing in the kitchen at 9:30 at night staring at the Ritz and peanut butter. And while that has happened once or twice it certainly hasn't been everyday. Also, not getting up to get seconds is a lot easier than I thought. I suppose in general its easier to not to do something than to do something. I think to improve results I should get more serious about avoiding carbs but I fucking love potatoes.

Something that has been more difficult than I thought was realizing how much of a toll alcohol will take on your weight. I was certain that that was nonsense but as all the weekends, especially the last one, have shown, drinking beer will make you gain weight and not like water will where you just pee it out later, beer sticks around. That isn't to say that I am going to swear off of drinking, I love drinking. Yeah, that's a little disturbing but its true. I don't mean I love being pass out drunk and snuggling my own vomit I just enjoy a good beer and I enjoy a few beers with my friends and I am basically not willing to give that up.

OK, last serious thing. Thank you. Thank you for putting up with this stuff everyday. I know its boring and a little selfish but it has really made the difference. Also, thank you to everyone for the kind words and encouragement. Here's to another 14.8 pounds next month.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 27

2010-07-28T05:46:00.000-07:00

264.4

Now I am really back on track.

Also, people getting on at the Rosslyn Metro in the Vienna direction in the 8 o'clock hour. STOP GETTING STUCK IN THE DOORS! ANOTHER TRAIN IS COMING I PROMISE!!!

Bugatti Veyron: would you?

2010-07-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

Though we've been kind of neglecting it on the blog, thus far, Wahoo and I are both into motoring. First, let me qualify that statement. Wahoo worked in a garage for years. He actually knows what he's looking at when he sees a car. He can fix shit. He has shirts with carburetors on them. I, on the other hand, like looking at cars and generally being a self-important asshole about it. So, if you ever have a real car question or break down, and you can only call one overweight blogger for help, call Chief. On the other hand, if you're in that situation, and you want an overweight blogger to tell you IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT FOR NOT DRIVING A GERMAN BADGE, I'm your man.

Anyways, in the car world, they're clearly one car that reigns supreme. That's the Bugatti Veyron. Now, I'm not going to go into all of the Veyron's stats, because, again, I don't actually know dick about cars. But, it's the fastest production car ever made, Top Gear named it car of the decade, and it's just absolutely ruthless.

I'm curious about the Veyron, though. I'm confident that both Chief and I, as well as our reader(s?), would love to drive one once. How could you turn down that opportunity? That's not my query, though. My question is this: would you actually want to own one of these things?

In this hypothetical, let's assume we could actually afford one. Likewise, we could afford to maintain it. God knows we could all sell ourselves into white slavery, and not come close to the $1.6 million to buy one, but play along. I know the thing's a beast, but given the foregoing assumptions, is anyone interested in buying a Veyron?

While the novelty and status symbol of owning one would be pretty amazing,, it's not a particularly good looking car. Granted, it's pretty sexy for the fastest car in the world. The car it replaced at the top of the table is way less attractive. I just can't imagine myself being happy a Veyron is in my driveway every morning, not aesthetically, anyways. I'd much rather look at this, or this, or this.

And, all those cars at least harbor the illusion of being practical cars. Of course, you'd fret anytime you took them to the supermarket, but you can tell yourself they can do everyday things. You can't really say that about the Veyron. Once you're waiting on 4 turbos to spool up, you're out of practicality. This is far more practical. That thing can shift!

This is all a great exercise in looking gift horses in the mouth, and while I'd love to be in a club that includes Ralph Lauren, Simon Cowell and Tawmmy Brady, I just don't see the point. While I'd love to drive one of these monsters, I would never want to own one. What say you, Chief and our faithful reader(s?)? Would you want to actually own a Bugatti Veyron?

You Know What's Weird: Food

2010-07-27T05:52:00.000-07:00

Often I find myself sitting around, living my life, you know, doing life stuff, and suddenly I'll think "Shit you know what's weird? X." Today is about one of those times.

Food.

We eat it. With our mouths. We have to. We will die if we don't. And we basically have to everyday or at the very least we get crabby or at worst, well, we die.

But have you really thought about food. What is this stuff we so happily put in our mouths, chew, and swallow. No, this is not some rant about processed foods and high fructose corn syrup, I'll leave that to the Food, Inc. people. Also, I love high fructose corn syrup, artificial anything, and definitely preservatives, artificial ones.

But what about normal food. Everyday stuff. We eat it but for the most part take it for granted and don't give it much thought. So I thought I would take one meal that I had over the weekend and really break it down. So how about a typical sunday morning breakfast/lunch (don't you wish there was some word that combined those two words, because I know for me I often on the weekends eat around 11 am and have a hybrid meal, how about "lunchfast"?).

Ok, to start I had a beverage called coffee. This black shit is scalding hot water run over the beans of a tropical plant. A very particular type of bean that must be roasted and ground up. But its not that simple. There are essentially an infinite number of these beans and everybody has a preference over which bean there boiling water gets poured. Those beans come from thousands of miles away and its still dirt cheap. I drink my coffee black so I won't even go into the endless nonsense of things put into this bean leached water. You should see all of Peter King's work for a good treatment of that.

Then on my plate were thin slices of the belly of a pig. Those slices were then cured with a certain kind of rock that tastes good on food. Then those slices of pig belly were placed in hot pan for a few minutes and made crispy. GOD HELP YOU IF IT ISN'T CRISPY!!! And oh my god is it delicious. I think more humans enjoy bacon than any other product on the planet. Yes, like a gazillion people eat rice everyday but they don't enjoy it. What they do enjoy is the belly of a pig cured and fried.

Then I had the unfertilized egg of a chicken. TWO! Take a second to really think about that. That's chicken period. Those eggs are no good for chickenkind if they don't get used so the chickens are just like "get the fuck out of here" and us humans are scooping em up by the billions. So, we have this chicken period and now things really get interesting. This thing needs to be cooked. In fact, like many things (including the pig belly discussed earlier), it is unsafe to eat it without cooking it. But there are roughly 96,000 different ways to cook chicken period and like coffee every human has a favorite. Jim: "I want my chicken period left in the shell and then boiled." Sharon: "I want my chicken period whipped heavily and then placed in a hot pan." Pierre (its French): "I want my chicken period slobbed on bread and then fried." Bob: "I want my chicken period opened directly over a hot pan and then turned over, please only do this long enough to cook the white, I want the yellow part just like a chicken would want it." Steve: "I want my chicken period like Bob's but don't turn mine over." It's re-god-damn-diculous. But man is that shit good.

Next, moving away from the livestock I had the root of a plant shredded and fried/sauted. I suppose that doesn't sound quite so crazy but it is. IT IS!

Lastly, I had ground up wheat which had fungus added to it. Then it was baked. Then it was sliced. Then even more dry intense hit was added to make it crunchy. This (prior to the toasting stage) is like the most important food invention of the western world. Who the fuck thought to add fungus? Of course nobody did but somebody noticed that doing certain stuff made the bread grow like the fucking blob. Of course they thought nothing of it and still baked that shit. Probably to get it to stop growing. Then they still ate it. Probably to kill the demon spirit. And then they were like "Holy Shit! This magically growing bread is way better than that hard tack we have been eating for centuries! Let's try to to induce more demon growth next time!" But not only was this bread toasted. I then applied a liberal amount of fat to the bread. Milk fat to be exact. Concentrated milk fat to be even more exact. That's the fat that comes in the liquid that is extracted from a cow boob. The liquid that is meant for a baby cow we take and then extract and concentrate the fat and put it on toasted magic wheat stuff.

So food is fucking weird. Its delicious but it's fucking weird.

And that's just lunchfast!

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 26

2010-07-27T05:34:00.000-07:00

265.6

So thats basically the weekend set back taken care of. But like when you shop lift, you aren't just stealing $4.65 (for that bag of beef jerky) of revenue you're stealing $4.65 in profit, I may have made up the gain but lost like 4 days of potential loss.

But who's counting anyway?

Matt Garza threw a no-hitter

2010-07-26T23:06:00.001-07:00

Good for him. I still hate him, a lot. Now, I'm just much more of an asshole for doing so. Thanks, life.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 25

2010-07-26T05:32:00.000-07:00

267.0

Ok, the first major set back. I'm calling it 1.5 pounds gained back. I don't really count Saturday which was clearly a big fluke. They tend to be, I think because I sleep until noon and hadn't really rehydrated from my run the night before.

Then Saturday my girlfriend and I celebrated two years. And that was just a wash because we went to a wine bar that does the small plate thing (as does every fucking restaurant in D.C.) which means a bottle of wine and because the plates are small I can have as many as I want right? No? hmm. And then we had goat cheese cake. Oh. my. god. And then we went drinking at a dive bar and had like 20 Budweisers so..... Anyway, like I said, a wash, which I am totally ok with.

Yesterday I didn't really break the rules of the diet directly but I certainly wasn't in the spirit of them with crab dip to start dinner and murdering my french fries and having 3 beers and 12 diet cokes and no water. Not exactly a recipe for weight loss.

So just gonna get all my limbs firmly back on the wagon today.

For your ears: "With such shine"

2010-07-25T21:07:00.000-07:00

An all-time FJM favorite

2010-07-25T17:43:00.000-07:00

While the big offensive trio had respectable statistics or better, they didn't stop the September slide. Manuel said spring training will be a time of teaching, for him to give "clarity" to players on his methods. Execution in the clutch is his emphasis, and the Mets likely will bring in new offensive players, most likely in the corner outfield spots.

So Manuel plans on teaching "clarity" (I assume this means making the team watch The Love Guru repeatedly), teaching guys to be clutch, and bringing in guys who are clutch.

Good luck with that, Jerry Manuel. I have some suggestions about how you teach guys to get clutchier:

1. Just before Jose Reyes takes a swing in BP, scream in his ear "It's Game 7 of the World Series!" and also punch him in the gut because that's what butterflies in the stomach feel like.

2. Secretly feed the team laxatives before practice because that's what butterflies in the stomach feel like.

3. Make the team eat butterflies.

4. Kidnap Carlos Delgado's kids and hold them at gunpoint while Carlos takes BP. "You like pressure, Carlos? This is what the playoffs feel like." Then, after Carlos strokes a home run, shoot one of the kids. Just in the leg, though. Remember, it's just a game.

5. Strap Luis Castillo to a speeding train. "Unless you hit in the clutch, Castillo becomes the meat in a train sandwich." Everyone comes through, and you reveal that you basically just wanted Castillo gone anyway.

6. One bat in the clubhouse is filled with plastic explosives. Stay on your toes, gentlemen.

7. Put up a picture of Derek Jeter in the clubhouse.

8. Be positive.

FJM Weekend rolls on

2010-07-24T23:48:00.000-07:00

Here's another from the FJM files. This was always one of Chief's favorites, so hopefully this will convince him to spend some of his time on his ass reading through his favorite website. He can even eat his wheat grass or alfalfa or beets. Ah, those are the money beets.

The Boss's History Lesson

Quote from the YES Network's Michael Kay-George Steinbrenner interview:

"[Steinbrenner] extolled one of his idols, Gen. Douglas MacArthur. 'You've got to be able to enjoy accomplishing victory,' he said. 'Victory is important. Douglas MacArthur said it.'"

Remember the world before Douglas MacArthur said that? When no one was sure whether victory was important? And some sports teams, and armies, kept losing intentionally because they thought losing was important? Thank God MacArthur cleared that up for us. And Steinbrenner.

Also, "You've got to be able to enjoy accomplishing victory?"

All of the quotes I've read seem to have been translated into Japanese, and then back into English, by a small boy who does not speak either language.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 23

2010-07-24T07:56:00.000-07:00

262.6

well thats quite a drop

I ran 1 mile yesterday, 1.

ONE

and lost 3 pounds (2.89 pounds of water weight but who's counting)

FJM is funny just read it

FJM Weekend

2010-07-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

As Chief shouted earler, Fire Joe Morgan is making its glorious return to Deadspin very soon. This is about the best thing to happen in my life in a long time. It's sad, but it's true. As a result, I'm instituting prima nocta. For the rest of the weekend, Chief and I will be posting some of our favorite moments from the FJM annals (haha! annals!). Also, Chief will probably tell us how fat he isn't anymore. Asshole.

I'll get this party started. This comes from the Glossary, and basically explains everything you need to know about FJM:

David Eckstein
David Eckstein is 4'10" and appears to suffer from borderline albinism. Despite this, he is a mediocre MLB shortstop. After he throws the ball to first base, it looks like he needs to lie down from exhaustion. He also runs hard to first base, as most baseball players do.

Baseball analysts have interpreted this data to be somehow indicative of something more powerful than mere "tangible" baseball skills, perhaps residing somewhere deep in the (non-human?) DNA of David Eckstein.

In fact, a new wave of baseball genetic experts believes that there may be a mutant patch of genetic code on chromosome 11 in some major league ballplayers. In most cases, this causes True Yankeeism. Eckstein, they claim, was born with a mutation of a mutation; the resulting phenotype features not only acute and heightened True Yankeeism, but stunted growth and fair skin and hair.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 22

2010-07-23T05:47:00.000-07:00

265.5

"Minor leaguers to be tested for HGH"-ESPN

I seriously can not believe that it has taken this long.

Mixtapes, Online!

2010-07-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

I am white. Very white. I have a knit tie. I once played rugby for a while. I am white. However I do not possess one skill that many white people (re: hipsters) have.

I don't know anything about good music. I especially don't know anything about good music made in the last decade. I just discovered The Black Keys, Thickfreakness (Circa 2003) and I think am up on the times. But no.

This has left me feeling left out at all my white people conventions (re: anytime in the P Street Whole Foods). So for a long time I have been looking for a way to stay somewhat abreast of the music scene. I know there is good stuff out there, my girlfriend took me to a Passion Pit concert and it was awesome. So wanting to be cool at the CSA pick up and because I know I like it I have been looking for a source.

I have found that source, finally.

Mixtapes, Online

It's a couple of white people offering there take on music both contemporary, modern, and classic. But the best part is that they put together playlists on YouTube. So not only do you get fresh perspective on the music but you can listen to awesome playlists (not to mention music videos). Its a great way to find new music outside of the Pandora playlist that sucks because your taste in music sucks (and you wonder why NickelBack keeps popping up).

But I think my favorite part is they aren't music snobs. Its not their way or the highway its just a jumping off point. You get the sense that they want you to find your own music.

So if you are tired of the same old Counting Crows songs then give them a shot.

Its a highly recommended read.

Oh Thank God

2010-07-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

KenTremendous: Attention, Fire Joe Morgan fans: happy to announce that FJM will ride again, this September 22, on Deadspin. #FJM

YYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our favorite blog of eternity, FireJoeMorgan.com is coming back for a one day reprise on famed sports blog Deadspin. They did this last year and Cutman and I's day was ruined, gone we spent the whole day giggling to ourselves like assholes.

For those of you who don't know and I am sure that's pretty much everyone, FireJoeMorgan.com is humor/kinda serious blog focused on finding and pointing out the garbage that is mainstream baseball media coverage. It is hilarious. It ran from 2005-2008. After it left Cutman and I were literally upset for weeks. If you peruse the site which is still up you will see where we get the inspiration for our style of attacking the media and have probably seen the FJM tag and we have mentioned it before a few times.

Just to give you a sense how funny this shit is read the glossary, skip the techno garbage if you want but the stuff at the bottom is hilarious, required reading is True Yankee. But to really get it just go to the archives and pick a month and just read it. I have read the whole archives this year. That's how awesome I think it is.

So on September 22, 2010. the authors of FireJoeMorgan will return but, as they did last year, will be guest bloggers on the super-blog Deadspin. So put it on your G-Mail calendar, your Outlook Calender, or iOn iYour iPhone iCalendar.

But even if you don't do that, don't worry we will be reminding you frequently.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 21 & Other News

2010-07-22T05:46:00.001-07:00

266.2

Ahh the 3 week mark. I can't believe its gone by so fast. Now firmly past the 10 pound mark and that certainly feels good.

Week 2 total= 3.2 Pounds

Total total= 11.4 Pounds

Pooping has been more normalized of late which is nice, just FYI.

In other news, keeping in line with my Spencer Gifts style fetish with everything Ireland I have some updates from the League of Ireland soccer teams.

What you don't care?

TOO BAD!!!!!!!!

Bohemians F.C. lost the 2nd leg of 2nd qualifying round of the EUFA Champions League to Welsh team, The New Saints. I can think of a few new saints and unless they are including the Boondock ones then that's a dumb name.

Today, in EUFA Europa League Dublin favorites Shamrock Rovers F.C. travel to Israel for the 2nd leg of their qualifier against Bnei Yehuda. In the 1st leg it was a 1-1 draw in Dublin. So should be an exciting match up for the rights to play Italian powerhouse Jeventus. Another Dublin team Sporting Fingal welcomes Portugese side Maritimo for the 2nd leg of their match up. In leg one, Sporting lost 3-2 but the two away goals are big help with the home match today. Last of the Irish clubs is Dundalk also with a home match in the 2nd leg against Bulgarian team Levski, however after being crushed 6-0 in Bulgaria hopes are not high for the 3rd in domestic league Dundalk team.

So that's the round up from League of Ireland news, domestic League matches are tomorrow.

Out of left field? Yes. Am I still proud of myself for the ability to make sense of European soccer leagues? Absolutely! Is that a little sad and pathetic? MAYBE. A 35% chance of sadness and patheticness. Buts that's a legit 35% chance!

For your ears: "Keep the promises"

2010-07-21T23:59:00.001-07:00

Hey! We don't like ESPN much

2010-07-21T17:08:00.000-07:00

Today, I got internet and cable television. While I enjoyed watching The Office from start to finish, it's good to take a break. That break, of course, has reminded me why I hate ESPN so God damned much. Here are two instances in the literally 5 minutes I've been watching TV, today. These are paraphrased, but basically right.

First example:
John Kruk: (Talking about the Roy Oswalt to the Phillies rumors) I really think that Roy Oswalt can really help that struggling Phillies' offense.

God damn it. For those of you who don't know, Roy Oswalt is a noted pitcher. And, pitchers, typically, aren't known for their offensive contributions. It took me about 30 seconds, but Fangraphs tells me Oswalt's career batting line is: .158 .195 .175. In short, Roy Oswalt isn't contributing dick to the Phillies' offense.

No, no. Kruk was going for that whole "good pitching helps batters feel more comfortable" argument, which is stupid. I've been in a demanding training program and sleeping on my apartment's floor without TV or internet, but I'm pretty getting healthy and platooning Ryan Howard against lefties would help way more than the "confidence" that comes from a moderately good pitcher. After all, the Phils have Roy Halladay, and they still can't hit for dick.

Second example:
Talking asshole (Orel Hershiser, I think): (discussing the Adam Dunn trade rumors) The one thing about Dunn is that he's never played on a winner, and I think a lot of teams are thinking 'is this the kind of attitude we need to be adding?'"

There is just so much here that pisses me off. First and foremost, this whole "Adam Dunn is an aloof asshole" thing is so weird. It followed him in Cincinnati and to Arizona, and it made no sense. Dunn mashes the baseball, and he's slower that sin, and he can't field that well, but he plays good baseball. Moreover, I've heard nothing but good things about his clubhouse presence since arriving in Washington. But, even if he wasn't a clubhouse leader, who gives a shit? You're renting Adam Dunn to make the postseason. You may not want him because you can't fit him onto the line-up card, or because of his price-tag, but it sure as shit isn't because of his "attitude".

Also, there's the idea that Adam Dunn is a bad baseball player because he hasn't played on a "winner". I'm too lazy to look to see if he ever has played for a "winner", but assuming he hasn't, who cares? Adam Dunn, surprisingly, can not play all 9 positions. Amazing, I know. He's played on some bad teams, but that's his fault, how?

In his next breath, and I'm not making this up, Orel went on to praise Ryan Zimmerman as the "kind of guy you want your daughter to bring home." Really, Orel? Zimm's plays for the Nats, and they sure as hell aren't winners. I didn't know you had such low expectations for your daughter.

Cutman Kimmel: Now with internet!

2010-07-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

Hey, reader(s). I know I claimed that I was back last week, but that was a lie. What isn't a lie is that I'm now back. And, this time, I have the power of the interwebs! Yes, yes. Cox Communications came and connected my tube to the other tubes, making me a functioning member of digital society. Here's me crossing my fingers that Cox sucks way less than Comcast did back at school. Comcast: fuck you.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 20

2010-07-21T05:33:00.000-07:00

267.0

Later on today, learn about the best place on the internet to find awesome playlists

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 19

2010-07-20T05:29:00.000-07:00

267.7

my name is the tortoise of death!

Sappy Fast Post # 1

2010-07-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

I. Love. Sports.

Will Leitch: When my team wins, I am happy. When my team loses, I am sad. Nothing in life is that simple and powerful and easy. Think about the last time you actively jumped up into the air in joy. It was probably during a sporting event. Typically the only other thing that makes me leap like that is, I dunno, maybe a spider. Sports gets out emotions that are unacceptable or tamped down in normal life, and makes them acceptable, even encouraged.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 18

2010-07-19T05:39:00.000-07:00

268.1

Bit of a boozy weekend.

In defense of: Ruining Pictures

2010-07-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

My advising group gave our advisor a group picture as a thank you for all of his hard work and ability to put up with our bullshit. They even made a nice little frame with puffy paint for him. All of this was fantastic, except for the fat asshole in the back who had ruined the picture by looking out of frame with a shocked look and pointing. That was me. I hadn't realized that picture was going to be a gift, but even if I had, I'm pretty sure I would have done the same.

See, many years ago, regular reader Laser Show and I made a pact to take no picture seriously. Since that point, we've been ruining perfectly nice pictures with gusto. Now, there's no single way to do this. There's the point off frame I employed on my advisory group. I'm also a fan of the way too excited open-mouth smile. Laser Show tends to go with the "Felts", a move named after a friend who would ruin pictures by giving a dead-cold stare normally reserved for death row inmates. And, then there's the "Cutman Lean". The Lean consists of leaning at an odd angle in a shot, employing the way too excited open-mouth smile mentioned above, and then pointing at the camera. It's so classic, but so effective. There's any other number of ways to ruin a nice picture, but these are the basics. We've generally stayed away from ruining government pictures, for obvious reasons, though I will give Laser Show a tremendous amount of credit for ruining his college ID photo.

So, I challenge you, faithful reader(s), to ruin any and all pictures you're a part of. Take my suggestions, or develop your own go-to moves. Just go out there and ruin the shit out of them. Because, really, who wants a good picture?

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 15

2010-07-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

268.4

Back in the direction of the good guys, still yet to poop

for LaserShow, last week I tried it and the difference was 1.6 pounds, this is one is probably happening today and probably at work so prob won't get a chance but if I holds off I will and I'll let you know

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 14

2010-07-15T05:34:00.000-07:00

269.4

Spinning the wheels a bite but thats ok, I'll live. Also I haven't pooped since Monday, I think I will be changing the name of this series to Adventures in Rare Pooping

Week 2 total= 2.7 Pounds

Total total= 8.2 Pounds

And Yes I was supposed to enlighten you on Public Transportation, but I didn't. Probably today.

For your ears: "At every occasion, I'll be ready for the funeral"

2010-07-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting a "For your ears" this Monday. Life got in the way, but here you go. This is Band of Horses' debut on Letterman. Notice how Ben Bridwell nervously laughs his way through it.

You Know What's Weird: Staples!

2010-07-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, I'm sorry for not being around much the past week. Getting things set up with my life have been a bit of a challenge. But, I'm back and better than ever. I hope you've enjoyed the Wahoo Weight-loss Spectacular, but it's time for be to be the same petulant dickhead I've always been.

Anyways, today, I'm co-opting Chief's "You Know What's Weird" series. Whatever, he can get over it. I was doing some work, and stapling some copies together that never needed to be created in the first place. You want the world to go green? How about we start with eliminating everything be copied in triplicate so 3 different people can stare at the same thing for all of about 5 seconds, and then throw it in the trash.

As I was stapling, I was struck with such a simple thought: how fucking weird are staples? How were they created? I understand the need for fastening pieces of something to something else. But, doesn't the paperclip solve this issue? (And, we won't even get into the design of the paperclip) No, clearly someone went "Wow, I need to fasten this thing to this other thing EVEN MORE than before. Let's punch it through, and then bend it!"

And, how was the logical next step to makes lots of little staples, and put them in bar form so a contraption can quickly dispense of them?! I mean, honestly, my biggest decision in months has been whether I wear a red tie or an orange tie. Yet, some asshole is out there designing the stapler, so I can be even lazier in my life.

Well, history (read: a cursory glance on Wikipedia) tells us that the first stapler was made for France's King Louis XV, and each staple had the Court's seal on it. Of course it did. It's not French enough to have a damn stapler. No, everyone needs to know THIS IS A FRENCH STAPLE. God damned frogs.

History also tells us that the first home stapler was invented by someone named Henry Heyl, which sounds vaguely German. I'm going to go ahead and assume that he invented it to declare a blitzkrieg on office disorganization. So, next time you staple that report you half-assed while watching Mythbusters, you're supporting fascism!

This is all to say: You Know What's Weird: Staples!

Also, Wahoo, weren't you supposed to get on here and give us another of your tin-foil-hat theories on zombies or public transportation or why LeBron left the Cavs? Stop slacking off, asshole.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 13

2010-07-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

269.3

Hmmm peaches

Later today: Public Transportation: Willing Zombies?

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 12

2010-07-13T05:34:00.000-07:00

269.8

Hello 260s its nice to meet you, I'm sorry I can't stay long

cheesy? Yes. Self aggrandizing? Yes. Do I care? No. No. and. No.

The All-Star Game-more like the Who-Gives-a-Shit Game

2010-07-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

I am not going to beat around the bush here. The MLB All-Star Game is fucking stupid. Really fucking stupid. I think its the stupidest of all the various all-star games.

The Pro-Bowl is just comical in how much nobody cares and usually people are wearing Hawaiian shirts on the sidelines which is funny. The NBA All-Star game is cool because even though its obvious that the players are trying even less then in a normal game the consequence is awesome dunks and really far away three pointers.

The MLB All-Star game on the other hand has no redeeming qualities. None. Every quality of the All-Star game is a negative one. Because that's one hell of a lot of qualities. And because I could go into why all of them are stupid. But I won't because I do have to work for a living so I am going to do my top five reasons why the MLB All-Star Game Blows.

5) Blatant Selling Out

I am a capitalist. Making as much money as possible is a virtue. But Jesus specialized-jersey-selling Christ. The All-Star game is such a hugely obvious excuse to create the Authentic BP Hat, the generic hat, the military women's hat, the Authentic Albert Pujols on-field jersey, and the must-have faux wood All-Star game sign (what the shit is that thing?). Its just egregious. It also forces the MLB to hire someone to design the logo, the alternate logo, the word mark, the jersey, the cap etc etc etc. And these things are unfailingly stupid looking because they are different every year and thus have no soul or continuity. They are always gimmicky and stereotypical and are forced to serve so many masters that you get meshed up non-sense. Again, I get that its a professional league and it exists to make money but it just makes the league feel cheap and circus-like when they are willing to sell you this.

4) ESPN Blather

Its been no secret the last couple of weeks my take on ESPN and the way they handle themselves. So it probably won't surprise you to find out that I hate how much talk and text gets dedicated to this spectacle of a game. Who will make the list? Commentator X's NL roster; which future Hall of Famer did this absolutely not hall of famer leave out? Can Kansas City handle an All-Star Game? This year's worst snubs! Here's a completely arbitrary all-time All-Star team with 20 minutes of childish arguing to follow! It's just another way for ESPN to justify both its existence and the fact that their reporters are spending all of their time making meaningless lists rather than reporting actual sports news like covering the minor leagues at all. It's just another on a long list of stupid things that ESPN spends its time talking about.

3) Old-Timey-ness

The whole concept of the All-Star game is outdated. Its not 1947 anymore. I can turn on a tv and basically watch any baseball player I want. (Yes the MLB Blackout policy makes that a little more difficult than most sports but its basically true). But the Old-Timey-ness goes beyond that. The All-Star game was started in the 30s by sports professionals which basically took their ques from boxing promoters and circus types. It was originally a sort of 'roll into town set up shop come see this specialty game' sort of gig. But that was it, it was just a hype game. Yeah it was successful but in a world where sports existed to the average fan only in the terms of the teams they could watch live, that sort rolling baseball revival was enticing. The MLB has continued that same pitch to this day. As seen in the merchandising seen above as well the city selection and hyping process. But the MLB refuses to realize that the national audience makes that sort of pitch just weird and out of place. Unless I can go to the game, I could care fucking less where its hosted. Yet they hype the host city like its hosting the Olympics. Its just a weird vibe that doesn't fit the modern audience. Its not like anyone outside of LA is getting some sort of LA experience. The model is from an era where professional sports made money by being a spectacle, a model that seems cheap to a fan base that takes the game very seriously.

2) The Selection Process

This is really part of a larger gripe about the way baseball players are judged. But it boils down to this. There is basically no criteria for what makes an All-Star. They are selected mostly by voting by a wide range of very different groups. Fans, managers, and players. By itself how this is decided really doesn't matter much but its the fact that being on the team means so much to a career, especially in posterity. How many countless times have we heard the "But he made 6 consecutive all-star teams!" argument for why a player should make the Hall of Fame (a baseball concept with its own set of problems for another time)? How often when evaluating players for trades do you hear the media say "How do you trade a 3-time All-Star for 2 prospects?!" So what we are left with is a huge group of people (fans) who pick players based on nothing but team favorites and nostalgia, leaving us with Yankee heavy and old line ups every year. Its nearly impossible to make the team from the Os, the Nats, or the Royals. Its just a shame that such an arbitrary and weighted system is used so heavily in evaluating human lives and careers.

1) Homefield Advantage

The Big Daddy of MLB fuck ups. The MLB knew that the All-Star game was losing steam and that fans everywhere were not that interested in an exhibition game right when the division races are starting to heat up. So they said "Ah ha! We have a solution! Let's give some meaning to the game. Lets give HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE IN THE WORLD SERIES TO THE WINNING LEAGUE OF THE ALL-STAR GAME! What a great idea, Bud. Lets do that." It is just such a gross display of where the MLB's priorities lie. That they would put fairness in the league championship aside just to give some sad measure of credence to a game that only exists to make money is a complete disgrace. The World Series should be the golden cow of the sport. For the MLB to have any credibility at all it should do everything it can to make the decider of champions the most pure display of sport possible. Instead they throw that to the wind and trade it away for some small amount of revenue. Not only is it a sad display of priorities on the part of the league but what a ridiculous way to choose a home team. As if just throwing the arbitrarily chosen 'best' players of a league on a team for one game and their performance in that game could somehow judge if one league was better than the other. And that's assuming that the determining of which league is best is a valid way of deciding home field advantage. And experience has shown us how stupid it is. The American League has won every All-Star game since the this system has been in place. So every National League for 9 years (nerd math may be off) has been at a disadvantage. This means that every NL fan gets to cry and moan and every AL win gets cheapened because the winning team had an advantage that they didn't earn and wasn't equally available to the other team. I can think of no way how this is justifiable.

So MLB just end the thing. Its cheap, it fosters journalistic diarrhea of the mouth, its weirdly old fashioned, its arbitrary, and undermines your league championship. Have some self respect and stick to that extremely classy display of baseball prowess, the Home Run Derby.

Public HumiliationDiet-Day 11

2010-07-12T05:34:00.001-07:00

270.6

Seem to be basically back on track from my gourmand (sp...i fucking hate spelling) Saturday.

But I also haven't pooped since Friday so my hopes are high for a foray into the 260s soon

Later today I describe why the MLB All-Star Game is the greatest aspect of the sport (re: worst aspect of the sport)

Mike Vick is an asshole: A personal narrative

2010-07-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

Wahoo discussed Warwick High School's favorite son, Michael Vick, earlier this week. First and foremost, as the Chief said: eat shit, ESPN. Seriously. I know running a multinational media empire isn't easy, but you can at least take care of the easy stuff, like writing accurate headlines and firing Chris Berman. And, yet, they continue to do neither.

However, I'd like to discuss Michael Vick for a moment. There are a host of incidents everyone already knows about that show how much a shitheel the man is.

Like being Ron Mexico,

or, his foray into drug smuggling.

Also, there was that time when his kennel wasn't up to code, or something.

He also went to Virginia Tech, and that's bad enough on it's own.

However, I have a couple of personal stories confirming Vick's dickishness.

The first took place at a football camp. Every summer, I was sent off to Colonial All-Pro Football Camp at William and Mary. The stated objective of which was to become a better football player. The real objective, however, was to eat too much pizza and try to get some autographs from the 4 pro players who came to the camp every year. In the 10 years I went to the camp, I met a ton of players: Dan Marino, Barry Sanders, Jerome Bettis etc. The process for every pro was for them to come out during the morning session, work with every individual group for a bit, and then give a talk to the whole camp and then answer a few questions. In all my time at the camp, Mike Vick was the only player to not come to the morning session. Shit, Brett Farve came twice, made it to the morning sessions, and we know he doesn't give a shit about other people. Yet, apparently Vick just couldn't make it to the morning session. Fine, whatever, he had a conflict or something.

Nope. When Vick arrived in the afternoon, instead of working with the campers like literally every other player, he walked in with his entourage in tow (he was the only player to ever bring a posse, as well), gave a brief talk to the campers and then left without signing autographs or answering more questions. It always struck me as such a shitty move for a local product who made it big to completely stiff kids who had been watching him play since his high school days. Everyone, staff included, left that session saying how much a cock Michael Vick truly was.

The second time I personally witnessed Vick's assholishness was in the airport. As Wahoo stated, we grew up about 15 minutes from where Vick did. In our area, Norfolk International Airport is basically the only airport without having to drive to Richmond (sorry, Newport News-Williamsburg!). I was waiting in line at security. Norfolk isn't exactly O'Hare, so there were maybe 3 other people in line to get checked. Yet, as I'm waiting, I see a guy get escorted to the front of the line by TSA staff and checked through. One of the TSA guys eagerly told me "Do you know who that is? That's Michael Vick!" Now, I've cut a security line before, so I understand it happens, but I at least asked the people ahead of me if it was OK. Vick didn't do that. But, I thought, "Whatever, he must be really late for a flight." Again, nope. I ran into the asshole as he bought a muffin and looked at magazines in the news stand in the concourse like 10 minutes later. He wasn't running late for anything. He was just an impatient asshole flouting his local celebrity.

Granted, both of these stories took place before the dog-fighting stuff broke, so Vick was still kind of a big deal. However, both incident reminded me that that guy is really just a dick, and he deserves everything he's gotten.

So, if you've been living under a rock or something for the past 5 years, let this be a lesson to you: Mike Vick is kind of an asshole. Oh, and don't let him watch your dog.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 10

2010-07-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

271.4

yay for wine, potatoes, and bernaise sauce diet delights!...oh wait

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 9

2010-07-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

270.3

Pooping does a body good.

I love weekends. Just livin in my torn boxers.

Public Humiliation Diet-Day 8

2010-07-09T06:20:00.000-07:00

272.1

No real breaks in the plan, I blame a) yesterday was a 2.3 pound loss which is huge, b) I haven't had a decent poop in a few days

Later today I probably get irrationally mad at ESPN again, maybe.

ESPN Hating-Again

2010-07-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

ESPN is getting fucking out of control. There are the obvious things like this LeBron James fellatio-fest. There are the pulled-out-of-a-hat fucking retarded rankings Cutman pointed out. The list goes on and on.

Here's another example, in this article about famous asshole and dogfighter Michael Vick, ESPN fucks up.

The headline reads:

Prosecutor: Vick in confrontation

So immediately I say to myself, "oh yyyyeeaaaaahhhh!!! Another reason to hate Michael Vick." Which is awesome for me because I hate the guy. He's a piece of shit that should have been thrown out of the NFL for good. I also had the great good pleasure of growing up like 15 miles from him and remember how shitty he was for longer than most. So, when I saw that headline I was prepped to hear that Michael had been in the fight leading up to the recent shooting in VA Beach and was fruther deserving of being punched in the face.

However, I then read the article. The article's main and really only point was that Michael Vick had left the scene before the shooting, has been cooperative and truthful with police, and that the prosecutor says that Vick acted reasonably. Yet we are left with a headline that is leading and just plane false. So the 88% of ESPN.com visitors who don't read the articles and just check the scores will be left to conclude that Vick was fighting/is to blame at the very least.

I am not here to defend Michael Vick. Far from it. But in a world where sports journalism starts and ends with ESPN we should expect higher journalistic quality, not to mention integrity. Its just garbage to be so blatantly misleading. ESPN has shown over the last few years that the only thing it cares about is causing issues that don't exist so they can fill the space of a 24-hour sports only news cycle.

Fuck you ESPN, get your shit together.

Credit where it's due

2010-07-08T06:15:00.000-07:00

If one thing has become clear in our first days blogging, it's that Chief Wahoo is an insufferable dick.

But, even so, he deserves some serious recognition for the progress he's made on his Public Humiliation Diet. 5.5 lbs in a week is some impressive progress.

As a fellow fatass, I know that weight loss is one of the hardest things to do in life. Making that process public is even more difficult. Like he said, the challenging bit is yet to come, but I think his work to this point warrants appreciation.

So, let's all give a hand-clap to Chief Wahoo. Good work, buddy! Keep it up.

/poop

Public Humliation Diet-Day 7

2010-07-08T05:37:00.000-07:00

272.1

Now thats what I'm talking about. Since someone name Gregorian or God or something decided that 7 days was a good length of time to designate as a week this marks week one.

Week 1 total= 5.5 Pounds

Total total= 5.5 Pounds (this will get more interesting as weeks progress beyond 1)

Cut this shit out, Tampa Bay fans

2010-07-07T23:11:00.000-07:00

The Red Sox were in Tampa Bay the past three days. Functionally, this meant that the Red Sox were losing in Tampa Bay the past three days. And, while that's bothersome in it's own right, something else has got me worked into a dander. No, it's not Matt Garza. I've already covered that one.

I've watched the games, and some assholes are bringing vuvuzelas to Tropicana Field. And, it's fucking annoying as shit. I know the vuvuzela has become the sensation of the World Cup (that and Diego Maradona's insanity), but we're also forgetting how god damned irritating the things are. Holy shit.

Take that annoying drone you've heard in the back of every World Cup game. Now, put it inside a dome where the noise can't leave. It sucks. Listen up, Tampa area. The Trop is enough of a hole, already. The lighting is weird. There are catwalks that interfere with balls in play. The seats apparently are uncomfortable and often don't face the field of play. Joe Maddon is allowed to enter the premises. Shit, it's in St. Pete. Nothing that isn't dying is ever in St. Pete. There's plenty of ways that Tropicana Field is already annoying. Do we really need to add a bunch of drunk dickheads blowing into cheap plastic horns to the equation? I think not.

This is all to say; American sports fans, let's nip this one in the bud. Vuvuzelas are kind of interesting, but let's not make this a thing. You don't want to be like the Rays, do you?

Man, the Rays have really been pissing us off, lately. Who knew?